I stole this.

The last day or so I've been so lonely (or maybe self-pitying or both) I've felt like crying. I went to a meet-up today. I invited some ladies from church and one came. She and I got to talk for a bit before other ladies came. Nothing too deep, but I haven't really talked to her before. She's quiet and I don't get to talk to her much, so I don't know if she likes me or if I bug her or what. I had fun though. Then ladies from the group came (the woman from church isn't part of the other group). I wish we hadn't gone and joined them, it was more fun one-on-one. She had to leave early, and I sat there in the group and just felt left out. I was supposed to be there, I was invited, these people have a good bit in common with me and it did no good. It's not necessarily their fault, though they could have tried to be a little bit more inclusive. I'm just odd. If you know me and aren't sure if I know I'm odd, rest assured, I am fully cognizant of that fact. I get Encouragement for the Day from Crosswalk. When I got home I read it, even though someone forwarded it to me before I left. This has been my life for the past few weeks at least. So here's what I stole:

Connecting with Friends
By Renee Swope

"I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." John 15:15b (NIV)

Devotion:I noticed that I had developed a habit of checking email repeatedly. One morning I checked it as soon as I woke up. Then I made breakfast and checked it again. Had my devotional time and checked it again. Ran some errands and when I got home, checked it once more.

Now, I have a thing about keeping white space in my inbox, but this was more than just managing emails. My heart was going back for a reason. I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to pause and ask myself, "Why do you keep checking your email?"

I sat there and let my heart respond honestly. I wasn't sure if it was God or me answering, but my soul intertwined with His Spirit whispered: "You keep coming back because your heart longs to connect with a friend."

Somewhere in the busyness of life I had let many of my friendships reduce to quick connections via email. Over the past year my schedule had gotten so full with kids, school projects, family needs, investing time in my marriage, and new responsibilities at work that something had to give. I didn't want it to be my family, so I asked God to help me find balance.

I'd felt Him leading me to cut back on the amount of time I spent talking on the phone, socializing with neighbors and hanging out with friends. Although I hadn't completely cut out my friendships, my face-to-face connection time with my friends had been reduced to a minimum. That morning as I sat at my computer, I realized I hadn't found balance. The pendulum had swung too far.

Here I was checking email repeatedly, trying to fill a God-created need for relationships with a white screen and black alphabet keys.

I knew I needed to make some adjustments to find a better place of balance, to fill the lonely place in my heart with friends I could talk to and share life with in person. That day I closed my laptop and called one of my closest friends. She happened to be available so I took some time off work to spontaneously meet her at a coffee shop and go for a walk. It was just what I needed.

Friendships are not easy to build. Time is limited with lives that keep us so busy. But in this age of technology, it's important to evaluate things in our lives that create a false sense of connection like email, television, text messaging and overboard activities. Although these things are okay in moderation, they can't substitute real-life connections. We have to intentionally carve out time for friends that are in close proximity. Times where we can share what's going on in our lives and, like today's verse says, encourage one another with what God is teaching us. Long-distance friendships are precious to me, but I also need friends close by. That day I learned that there's just something in my heart that is filled when I connect with a friend in person.

God created us for relationships where we can see each other, hug each other and talk to each other face-to-face. Jesus knew this need, as well. He encircled Himself with intimate friends -- first His Father, then His close friends John, Peter and James and then the other nine disciples. He also had friends like Mary, Martha and Lazarus that He spent time with sharing what He was learning from His Father, laughing and having a meal together. He modeled for us the picture and the power of connecting with friends.

Dear Lord, You created me with a need for friends. Yet, I find myself rushing through my days with little time for heart-to-heart connections. Help me to seek You first as my ultimate Friend, and then reach out to others so I can have and be a close friend. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Grow Closer to God and your girlfriends on the Girls Get-A-Way Cruise with P31
A Walk to Remember: Living and Leaving a Legacy DVD, with Renee Swope

Traveling Together, by Karla Worley

Application Steps:Visit Renee's Blog to read and share more girl-talk on women's friendships today.

Make a list of friends you enjoy being with. Call or email them to set up a time to get together for some girl-talk. If you're not sure who to call, ask God to show you someone you can begin a friendship with. Invite them to lunch this week.

Reflections:
What are some of my biggest obstacles in developing real friendships?

Power Verses:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (NIV).

It was a help, I just don't know who to re-connect to. So if you're feeling sad and lonely and need a friend, I'm here. Call me, e-mail me, whatever. Let's feel lonely together and see if the feeling goes away.

One is the loneliest number.

I feel lonely this evening. I have no reason to, I just do. I went to Class 201. It's a basic beginners' class to Christianity. Or at least the habits to develop a relationship with God and Jesus. I went to worship night at church. I went to church this morning. My friend brought ClaireBeth home today and we talked for a good bit. Eric's gone, probably for the rest of the week, and that's not everyday anymore, but it's not completely abnormal. Numbers around me aren't the problem. I just feel lonely. And if I hear mama one more time I'm going to cry. I didn't eat much today, that might be part of it. Off I go to try to feel better.

I'm being a bad mama

Well, sort of. As I'm writing this Vee and Ziggy are watching Little Einsteins. Yup, I'm ignoring them. My house has once again reached bio hazard status. Most of the dishes are done but you can't tell what color the counters are supposed to be. You can tell what we've had to eat for the last week though. The toilet was dirty for Easter because someone-2.5 feet, brown hair, undetermined eyes-hid the cleaning wand. I found it like Monday but still haven't cleaned the toilets. Half the food from the commissary is still in bags on the floor. I have a load of laundry sitting on the coffee table. It rained today and I had all the stuff from the last three times I emptied the car in the backyard, including an encyclopedia , kids books, my favorite (and only) brown shoes, toys, a purse and myriads of other flotsam that collect in the bottom of the giant roly-poly bug called our van. It's now sitting in the kitchen with the food. I won't talk about our bedrooms, which aren't too bad but definitely aren't the havens of serene peacefulness they're supposed to be. My cousin, whom we joke is Martha Stewart with brown hair even though she has four kids, saw my room at Easter-it was even worse then-but she was kind enough not to say anything. Thanks Sarah! Actually she said she wouldn't mind a two story so she could do the same thing. She seemed very impressed with my wicker baskets which I try to use to lug all the displaced junk at least to the proper floor. It looks classier than the plastic laundry baskets. And my friend is dropping ClaireBeth off around 1 or so. Oh well. The illusion will be shattered I suppose. Maybe she'll see the real me and we'll become even better friends because there are no secrets between us anymore. As if. She'll probably just want to make sure she has her shots before she takes the girls again.

Some days are poopy

Is it possible to potty train a 13-month-old? Her diapers are bad because of teething. Ziggy somehow pooped not in the potty today too. I still haven't unclogged the toilet from like 6 this morning. Thank goodness we have two other toilets. Apparently you're not supposed to put toilet paper, 15 flushable wipes and yucky stuff in the toilet at once.

Updates

Well, today's Saturday. The little girls are in their room. They're supposed to be sleeping, like that ever happens. Eric's at work. When does that not happen? I'm typing instead of cleaning. That always happens. ClaireBeth is at Disneyland and just had her picture taken with Ariel.

My friend Julia delivered the baby at 1 this morning. She held it and will have it buried in Virginia in one of the military cemeteries. An autopsy will be performed beforehand. They weren't able to tell the gender, but should find out during the autopsy. My friend Sarah found out she's having a girl! Miss Jane Anne. Two other people I know are pregnant. It's just babies all around. I don't even really mind that much. And definitely not as much as I could mind. I just like the delivery and naming them. I don't like the pregnancies all that much. I'm down to one in diapers except at night. One hopefully goes to preschool this year. I'm good. I do kind of miss nursing, but not really. It was such a habit and it feels odd that I can't soothe Vee like that anymore, but I'm glad to have my body back pretty much to myself.

Eric went to the battalion segment of the meritorious E-6 board and will proceed to the regimental board in April. He hasn't been told when it is (watch it's the day after our anniversary so he won't get any time to relax and won't be any fun) or how many are being promoted. It looks like there will be 12 Sgts competing on that board though. There are four companies in each battalion here. And three battalions in the regiment. For his battalion, there were 13 people, three from each of the other companies and then Eric from Delta. Four of them were selected. One company never showed up. So we'll wait and see where God has us go from here. Not that Eric would say that God had anything to do with it. Little does he know. For those of you that prayed for him, thank you.

Well, I hear little voices and big crashes coming from the room 10 feet to my left. I'd better go.

Pics

Okay, I have got to be the most computer illiterate person who can still shop online. I uploaded pictures, but I don't know where they went. And only one of the four come through, but I couldn't tell where it came through to. AAAHHHHH! Did I ever mention that I'm brunette on the outside but blonde on the inside?

Lord, why?

Yesterday, Tuesday, I found out that my new friend's husband had asked for a divorce. It's sad to see something that's supposed to be sacred fall apart. I watched her four children so that she could go to her mid-point ultrasound. There she found out that the baby most likely had Turner's syndrome (only 1 chromosome-X-or two X chromosomes with one of them being extremely abnormal) and that there was no heartbeat. The same day Eric was told that he's on a meritorious board for Staff Sergeant (early promotion because he's doing a good job if he's approved). This would of course help us quite a bit. I just wonder at the Lord's timing. As I'm trying to not get excited and assuming he'll get promoted-the last board had 12 slots for promotion, 10 men on the board and promoted 9 (one obviously did something wrong)-I'm trying to help through grieving and despair. Obviously all anyone can do is pray, which I'm actually rather clueless as to how to do. I'm hoping that we do a prayer study in bible study next. We haven't decided which one. I know some people love the Power of a praying . . . series, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I still haven't learned the basics. I was saved at four, and I think that was one of the worst things to happen to me. I never really learned what to do after that. Please don't take this out of context, I mean that I never learned how to actually have a relationship with God (see Hello are you there, last paragraph).

As to family life, everything is pushing along. Ziggy finally stopped peeing on the floor in protest of the big potty. She learned how to potty using a small potty seat on the big toilet. I got tired of having to wipe the seat everytime I took it off to pee, so they disappeared one day. Not really. They ended up in my bathtub to be cleaned until I had to take a shower and then sat on the counter for three days. Vee bit an eight-month-old today (she sure showed that baby sitting in his carseat not bothering her!). ClaireBeth is going to Disneyland and to stay with Auntie Mia for the weekend. I take her up Friday and Mia brings her back on Sunday. Mia is a good friend from high school and is dating my other good friend from high school, Charlie. Took them long enough. I told you about Eric, though he's as Eric-ish as ever. Some days it amazes me that we thought we were a good match. We are so different. Maybe it's the whole opposites attract thing. There's no other explanation. I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day and I have no clue. If you look around the house, you can tell I haven't gotten anything accomplished. It might be all the junk in the house and the fact that our place is always messy. Just by the time I can do anything about it (have you ever tried cleaning up Candyland with a 13 month old chewing on the red piece and fighting you for the Queen Frostine card. It's amazing how many cuss words there are in the vocabulary of someone who doesn't talk) I'm beat. Or maybe I'm lazy. Or both. On that note I'd better attempt to get something done. Eric's got duty tonight, so I don't have to go to bed at 7 to lay next to him while he snores, since that's about the only time I get with him some days. Wish me luck! Or maybe pray for me. Anything's gotta help at this point.

P.S. I'm going to Playhouse Cafe Mon at 1000 with a group of ladies. If you'd like to some let me know. playhousecafesd.com

Christ the Lord is risen today!

Well, two days ago anyway. Our Easter started on Saturday. I took someone I met on Thursday to the airport. Then the girls and I went to a babyshower. I hope the woman it was for feels blessed and realizes that we all care for her and would like to help. Her baby has what seems like very under-developed muscles due to something that happened in the womb and will probably never walk, though in the last five months (she's almost six months) she has made more progress than doctors ever said she would. It was fun to be a part of making her feel special and cared for. That night we had dinner with small group. Eric went, but was half-asleep the whole time. Poor guy.

Sunday I taught the little kids. Our church seperates the 2-preschoolers up into two to three groups. Then they rotate rooms for different activities. I teach the main bible lesson in one of the rooms so I see all the kids instead of staying with one group. Teaching them with their enthusiasm and hilarious little personalities really helped me remember that Easter isn't one more day to clean and cook for, clean up after and then forget. We had our family dinner over here, which is fun for the kids. My upstairs was off-limits-meaning a biohazard, but we have a whole toy room downstairs. We had the required egg hunt, no fights, and I did very little cleaning or cooking (Eric actually did most of it for our part). How much better can it get?

Some days. . .

My mom came over to help today, but we got into an arguement as usual. I don't know what it is about her that makes me act like this. She usually ends up instigating and I get in trouble for doing it with her. How fair is that? Anyway, so she left at 0800. I called a friend up in Fallbrook and asked if we could help her today instead of tomorrow. She said yes, so up we went. I haven't driven up the 15 in a long time. I forgot how stretched out it is. We helped Erin for six hours. I don't actually know how big a help I was, what with Ziggy drawing on a book, strewing flowers all over the house, and using a little potty because they didn't have a potty seat and Vee trying to pick up Baby Jared twice, but I tried. And poor Travis was always off running errands. I wonder why?

We left and I gave in and got Carl's Jr. The sad part is is that I like their food. When we get home, a friend calls about a bible study I was thinking about going to. I told her "No, thanks." I was tired, the girls were fussy-a polite way of saying that they act like horrible uncivilised heathens at other people's houses-and it was movie then bed time. But the girls wanted to go. Don't get me wrong, I don't cater to the girls. Ever. It's not easier to give them stuff because I don't want to hear them whining and crying. If you give it to them, it just means you'll hear it all the next time you say-or try to say-no. If I don't want to hear it they go to their rooms and I turn on music or a movie. So after affirmation that they would act well as opposed to the boogers they had been, we were off.

Traffic in that direction is usually horrible. There wasn't a single brakelight the entire way. I didn't have a book. I was able to borrow one. I did have to pay for a babysitter, and I shouldn't have payed her the whole amount-she was late, didn't notice that Ziggy peed on someone's bed and didn't offer any of the kids drinks-but I'm hoping someone will work out a babysitting co-op among all the small groups. I've suggested it but no one's listening. That happens. Over all, though, it was fantastic. It's through a meetup, so I was a little worried about the people, whether I would fit in, but I loved the ladies and felt like God had me there for a reason.

And throughout this all is Eric. He's supposed to have today (Friday) off. Then he calls and says he wants to go out with the guys. I don't necessarily mind, I'm just not fond of what most of the guys do. And I trust my husband. He needs to get clothes-he works an hour away-but they want to go out up where they're working. Which means he would come down to get clothes, go up to go out and come back down. Then he tells me doesn't have the day off. At this point I'm rather irritated. I have to fight tooth and nail to get Eric to watch the kids. Honestly I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I almost never go out without them. The last time I even came close someone else's husband watched two of them. I had bible study I could have gone to without worrying about babysitting or a girls craft night. So he goes out and I get a little mad. He calls later and says "I'm coming home. I don't have to be in until 4:30 p.m. (I have to insert p.m. because he usually has to be there at 0445 am)." And he's wearing new clothes and shoes. Instead of coming home he went shopping. Sometimes I don't know what to do. I really don't. Don't get me wrong, we're fine. Nothing's leading anywhere, except maybe me to the nuthouse. Just how can two people be together this long (3/4 of a decade) and still have no clue what to do with the other person? In my case I pray; about how I'll talk to him without blowing up; how I'll forgive him for something he doesn't even know or need to know that upset me; how I won't beat him just to work off frustration (just kidding-but pugil stick therapy does work, I'm sure). That being said, he's great. Just different than I am. And I'm supposed to submit to him, not the other way around. Guess I'll have to keep working on that!

I love babysitters!

My friend's daughter came yesterday and watched the girls while I cleaned. I spent half my birthday money to have her come over, but it is so worth it. I got the kitchen almost done-I won't comment on how it looks now though-the laundry folded and put away and I had someone to talk to. Her name is Isabel and she's 12 1/2. And being a normal 12 1/2 year-old, she'll sometimes listen to me more than her mom. We got to see her again today at the park and she asked when she could come back over and watch the girls. I told her when her room was clean and de-cluttered (they're moving in a month and she needs to get rid of all the junk so they're not taking it with them) and she kept it like that for two weeks she could come back and babysit. Mom definitely agreed! If you need decluttering tips and help, check out flylady.net.