How truthful can I be on here? Doesn't matter since no one reads it anymore.

So...I don't think I'm doing so great. I've been aware of it for a while. And I'd be determined to "just do better". Then fail because I just don't care, even though I feel worthless and like I'm drowning as I play another game on my phone as I lay is the cluttered...and kind of dirty...mess that is my house. I spend most of my time at home in my bed. I have dirty dishes all over the house. Dirty and clean laundry is everywhere. If I were to pick up the trash one the floor it would be at least a trash bag's worth. And I live in a large studio, so it's not like it's that big.

What have I actually been up to? I have a cute job that I like but I keep failing at. I watch kiddos during their parents' appointments and do the paperwork at a small physical therapy office. I love it. There's a lot of work that I can do remotely. I somehow constantly seem to fall behind and get overwhelmed. I have another job that I do but don't tell people about unless I have to. It is a job my mother has done. A job that most people end up doing because it is unskilled. I get crap pay and no benefits. I do it for 70+ hours a week. I work five overnights a week, prompting me to spend many of my days in bed trying not to wear myself out so I can make it through the night, since I never know what work will be like. Sometimes I get to sleep all night. Others I don't even get to sit down, trying to help someone manage their body and their feelings. I'm worried that I will be denied a raise, that I can get a better job, and that if I do I will fail. So I stay here. And as we get back to normal hours in the office I have no clue how I'm going to manage. As for school, I somehow didn't manage to get my application in to move towards my bachelor's-no one is surprised there. I have no clue what I want to do. I have nothing that I'm really good at. And it's too much to care so I plod on.

The girls are...alive. I still don't get to talk to Claire or Zoe, though Claire will listen if I'm on the phone and make comments to Bree and Zoe will make comments that are for both of us, though there is no actual conversation that occurs. Claire is leaving next month for boot camp before she attends the Air Force Academy. She was valedictorian, though I don't know how much that means this year...Zoe is her awesome self, with an attitude that is all her own (except for her little sister-Big Sass and Little Sass. Think Tinker Bell with light brown, curly hair in fun size and mini size).Vee is...on her own journey. We're not sure if it is an organic chemistry issue or due to a head injury she had as a child. We haven't made it through a complete eval because the mental health system is something else out there and she had gone into acute or residential before or during every attempt. Her issues make it difficult to get providers to believe us and we often end up with cover ups and band aids once they realise what has happened. We're waiting to see how high the bills are for her last stay at acute. We're hoping we can get her to the point where she realises she needs to live her life differently. We're not sure we will ever get her there.

There's more. There's less. I think about talking to someone but I spent over a year talking in circles and never making progress. There's not really a good ending to this, but there's not point in going on. So I'll sign off.

Aww, I remember blogging!

Ha! So it's been two years. That's crazy! And most of the blogs I read have fizzled out. Which is sad, but understandable. Sometimes it just goes by the wayside. Sometimes we're ashamed or disgusted by how our life is going. Sometimes we find a new platform. And to be honest, it's not like this blog was super useful for anything. But I liked doing it.

What I won't usually say...

So I'm part of a fitness challenge on Facebook. We've all seen them. You join, you flit in and out for a week and then you peter put. But you're "friends" with the lady so you join the next one and do the same thing. I have about 6 weeks until some friends come into town. They don't care what I look like, but it's a date on the calendar, a deadline. This new challenge is also encouraging us to spend time with God as well, a spiritual and physical work out challenge. And so I really want to commit, a birthday two days ago, a new name today, a new month. And I started to write on the page. But it was really personal. So I quit. There was potential for too much interaction. But here's what I started. I stopped writing before I finished so I finished it here. Because I do need to say it.

Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm the one that will sign up and then disappear and will do well for two days and then give up and like myself even less then decide it doesn't matter anyway. I have been having a hard time even believing God exists. I work long hours. I will usually choose to sit and do nothing than anything useful. I have a hard time focusing on the positive when it comes to myself. I don't like the way I look, and part of that is because of how I feel about myself. And why I look the way I do. I don't feel that I am worth it, either mentally/emotionally or physically. I notice the same thing with my home.

Still no clue what to do about my relationship with God...

Oh My Goodness, I've Missed Y'all!!!

So. I started blogging again to log my experience with Plexus Slim for 6 weeks. In general I feel great. I eat less. I do a lot better than I used to with cravings, though I have been slipping. My exercise hasn't been what I want it to be. My fault. I've been lazy. I'm down a pants size since I started, from a 10 to an 8 for the most part. I haven't been taking full advantage of the Slim, though. IT IS A TOOL!!! Not a magic pill (or drink!). And, at week 5, I wish I had taken better advantage of it. I was pretty burnt out from the last 4 months, though. I DO want to continue for one more month, but am not sure if I'll be able to. Summers are hard pay-wise, between no pay in July or, if you're lucky and pick up summer school and VERY short month, camps for the girls and life in general. And unfortunately that's when I chose to start Plexus. In general I would have bought an extra month's worth earlier in the year. As an "ambassador" and with shipping and handling it is still 75 cents less than an iced coffee every day. And while I have been drinking more coffee since I quit soda, it is still more affordable than most of our habits. I just need to get rid of the coffee one ;)

So where have I been? I had a hard week. And then it felt like a huge burden to catch up. So I avoided it. Yes, I know I said I was working on that. Well this is me working on it. As I was blogging I started adding more personal stuff to it. And I honestly don't know if anyone outside of Sarah Dean (Hi Sarah!!!) is reading. But it feels nice to write, though it is obviously not one of my gifts. And that's okay. It is fun. Does this stay fairly impersonal? Yeah, to an extent. I'll talk about menstrual cycles and mammos all you want. Or more of I keep the really personal stuff in, as we all do.

So what have I been up to? I rearranged half the house. My cousin helped with the living room. I did my bedroom. I have my "office" in the bedroom. It was housed in a cheap, tall bookcase, whose addition necessitated the rearranging of my room (that and my bed against the windows wasn't working for me I don't care what the doctors say, it does make you sick...). So I moved my bed and two-ton dresser...at which point my bookcase snaps in half because it's, well, cheap! And I ended up not needing to change almost anything, but because I already had I wasn't moving it back. Crap's HEAVY! But my room is clean and my drawers are usable. It's been a while. 

My living room. It now has half the furniture in it. And it looks adorable!!! It's nice to come home!!! Mind you, we just did it last night. After a walk on the beach and a great dinner at Ruby's. Shirley Temples, BABY! Except not the cherries. I hate maraschino cherries...

My cousin and I have been working out. And she has a favorite saying. So I had shirts made for us with it on it. And since this started out about weight loss I'll show you the photo of me wearing them, 'cause I don't look as fat as I used to. The awesome Christina made these for us. Check her out. Large and small orders, anything you need customized. She also loves working out and her hubby is a great photographer :) 

The pink is Sarah's, she likes the formfitting tanks when she works out. Mine's the orange because I like the looser. But I'm wearing both in these pics.

So that's kinda it. Not all, I'm sure I've forgotten bits. That has been the hard part. There have been things that I wanted to share. I just couldn't bring myself to get on. And some of those may be lost forever. Were they important? No. But I got to "tell" my friends. Sheesh, I need a life! And it's only going to get worse with work and school starting again...

Moonlight Monday

Well, first off, I forgot my Slim all day. It's hard to write a post about how something makes you feel if you forget to take it. But I'll go over the past few weeks. Then I'll get to my fun day :)

First, it lets me know when I eat a bunch of junk. It then proceeds to flush it from my system thoroughly!

I do not feel nearly as "hungry" (maybe more just wanting to eat) and my mind/mouth isn't stuck on a flavor or food until I can't think about anything else.

I do wake up pretty refreshed, though I will throw in that I haven't had to leave the house at 7 am like I do during the school year.

For the most part I don't feel tired during the day. There are always exceptions, but those were usually due to extra exercise or an emotional day.

My Sarah that is in love with Plexus says she feels clearer-headed. I do not disagree but don't know if I am officially clear-headed. There is a lot to clear up in there...

So, my day! It started with a homemade soy latte. Then Cousin Sarah and I went for a walk...to Starbucks ;) Skinny, sugar free Vanilla Latte, baby! We walked back with our drinks, bringing us to almost 3 miles. We also did our abs. After hanging around her place for a bit, including eggs and toast for breakfast, she decided we would go to Moonlight Beach in Carlsbad. It was nice! And the bathrooms were so clean!!! We didn't get in the water, but I helped Nephew 2 build sand castles. We had Trader Joe's turkey club wraps, pink lemonade cupcakes, blueberries, persian cucumbers and cheese doodles! I made it to work and had ham and beans. Mainly because that's what I had time to pack! My after work snack wash half a Lavash wrap and two pieces of turkey lunch meat. Overall I ended up at 1550 calories. I remember when I would eat that at one sitting!

It was fun eating just bits of the fun foods at the beach. Though I never got one of the uncrustables the kids had. Those are so good! I wonder if we could get them to make a peanut butter and pickle version...

Fun In The Sun-day

You know, I'm liking these cheesy titles ;)

The day started off funny. I did homework and then we had to get ready for church. I never thought I would think 9:00 was too early for something but that's how church feels when I have to make sure Vee is ready, too. She sleeps until 7:45-8:00, which is WAY later than I sleep! So I never got to my Slim. I did have a small bowl of beans and a latte made with Thin Mint creamer because I used the rest of the milk in the corn bread.

Lunch (and dinner) was chipotle. I don't think I had ordered from there before. Maybe once. And let me tell you, that is not a place you can easily make good choices! But since the burritos are so large I had no problem making two meals out of it. Though I did have my Slim and a sandwich for a snack in-between (I forgot my veggies again!).

But then I ran into trouble. Slim is doing a great job in helping me control my cravings and not feeling as hungry. But my head still wins sometimes. Like last night. I had to go to Fresh&Easy for milk. And my brain said "You might get hungry. You know you can't go to sleep if you're hungry!" And macaroni and cheese cakes were on sale (think crab cakes except with mac-n-cheese). So I got them. And ate all 350 salty, not that great, carb-loaded calories right before bed. I try to make sure I let myself have yummy food. But that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. The mac-n-cheese cakes were a mistake...

I didn't exercise, per se, but we went to the beach and played in the waves a lot :) And I took a photo in my bathing suit for you ;)

We call this the Randi pose. She looks a lot cuter when she does it ;)

Saturday "Sat Around"-day Day 20

Vee and I...sat. And laid. And chilled. And watched a bunch of anime. She played, I promise. I talked to my best friend/sistery person. Hi, Randi!!! I got the bathroom mostly cleaned and organized. But not much exercise. Or movement. Or anything. And I loved it!!!

Breakfast was Slim, oatmeal, soy milk and strawberries. I had 2/3 cup of oats and it was too much.

Lunch was 2 ounces of tuna with brown mustard and a teaspoon of mayo with two pieces of bread. You know, I never got around to getting my veggies out!!!

Dinner was ham and beans with cornbread. I made it with soy milk and flaxmeal instead of eggs. It wasn't bad. We're still working on some of the substitutions...I didn't add any salt to the beans and it was still too salty. But that is comfort food for me. Wow, another deficit of veggies...not normal.

I'll admit, I had a piece and a half of peppermint bark and a mini twix. I also finished my soda from the night before. We split the last three peppermint thins to get rid of them. I ate the twix because I was walking around and saw the bag and ate one. I put those in the freezer. I don't like hard chocolate. The soda was diet and I STILL have that chemical sweetener taste in my mouth. That used to be a constant. I'm glad it's gone. But because I was drinking that soda all day I didn't drink enough water. But I felt in control, which I'm honestly giving credit to the Slim for. Normally I would have had to eat it all so it was out of the house. But I felt good. And able to resist. It's a great feeling!

Yeah...You Won't Be Seeing Those...

I took some photos of myself. Boy shorts and the cheap sports/shelf bras I wear around the house. I figured I've scared off all the males and since this is about weight loss using Slim it would be okay. My niece and nephews saw me in about the same yesterday. Except I couldn't post them. At first I was thinking "Okay, that's not so bad. I can see the spoon shape." Not a pear, a spoon. Then I saw the flabby belly. And the way my undies press in. And my loose arms. And my thighs that TOUCH.

I hate working out. I have no problem with moving. But once it gets hard I get out of there! I'm kind of working on that, both the working out and the tendency to avoid hard things/things I don't want to do. Having a workout partner helps. Thanks, Sarah! But, you only get out of it what you put into it.

Actually, I will post one of the photos...

My funny bed head. I think I went swimming the day before and forgot to wash it :P

Friday "Try"-day Day 19

I went and did something new!!! But let's start at the beginning ;)

I met my mom and grandmother for breakfast at Denny's in Mission Valley. It was packed! I tried the Fit Fare Veggie Skillet. Decent flavor and texture. 340 calories (really good for eating out). And pretty greasy at the end. But not bad.

Then I went PADDLEBOARDING!!! For five minutes. And managed to fall in...It was windy so we decided to turn them in for kayaks and on the last turn I wasn't able to turn all the way before the wind pushed me into the rocks. Oh well. I am aware that I am not the most coordinated. I've learned to live with it and laugh at it most of the time. Ask Randi about ice skating ;) So my friend and I kayaked for a good hour and a half or so. It was awesome! I killed my fingers on the side of the kayak. I got sunburned because the sunblock wasn't in the car. And I got to spend time with someone who has been really important to me for most of my life. Goodness, almost 20 years.

She also suggested a great fish and chips place where we split a shrimp salad and divvied up some fish and chips, though I ate the lion's share of that.

So on the time with Vee. Who sweet talked me into The Minions. Last time we went the tickets were $6.50 each. They were NOT $6.50 this time :( But we were already there. Then, I was stupid. We had already decided we wouldn't get anything from the concession stand. But I wanted a drink. You know, to go with the mini Twix, Andes peppermint bark and teriyaki nori that we brought with us. I drink all the time. Like at least 120 ounces of water a day if I'm using the trenta cups from Starbucks. I love those cups! And I usually drink more than that. So I got a soda. We sat down and I wanted popcorn. I could have told myself no. I should have told myself no. But I didn't. And then Vee wanted a drink. Fair enough, she doesn't really like what I usually get. Not I'm not upset about the food or calories. I'm more frustrated that I had to work 3 hours to earn  what I spent and that I did it anyway. The tickets were one thing. And not worth getting upset about. But the food was my own fault. Vee was against it. Sometimes kiddo knows best.

I definitely started feeling the rowing by the end of the night. At first it loosened up what was sore from Thursday. Then it started feeling twingey. I love that feeling! I didn't drink my Plexus Slim until we got home and dinner was just a quick mash of rice, beans, chili's and tomatoes. Some things just end on an odd note, rather like this post :P

Day 18

I worked out with my cousin. It's so much more fun with someone else! Even if I was typing for half our walk. Sorry, Sarah! Next we went to the park and did some arm exercises and then home and did some ab exercises. Breakfast was a boiled egg, a piece of toast and butter, some coffee and creamer and some blueberries. I love breakfasts where I don't have to cook! Then just hanging out, playing in the pool and sitting in the sun :) Slim and lunch around 1:30. In an attempt to transition from meat I'm starting to use beans. So lunch was half a cup of great northern beans, 1/2 a cup brown rice, 2 tbsp green chiles and a tbsp tomato paste. It was okay. Definitely edible. I'm not big on beans, so I guess I'll make a pot, like I do for rice. I also didn't feel FULL but beans and rice are both so full of calories that I was being conservative. I'll probably do 2/3 cup each next time. Dinner was pork chop, rice and Brussel sprouts and my snacks throughout the day were strawberries, popcorn rice cakes, a half turkey sandwich and a half cup of soy milk. Oh, and a trenta sugar free iced coffee...Overall it came to 1130 calories. Plenty of water.

I was tired. Like lay down and still not snap out of it tired. I didn't sleep well Wednesday night. No real reason, just didn't. Tonight was also my first day back to my normal evening schedule at work and it felt SOOOO late. So when I got off I came home and...laid in bed for forever

I did things I didn't want to do! If it is an activity I will often get it over with. But if it's a conversation where I will feel vulnerable or where I'm not sure I'll be successful in accomplishing or conveying what needs to be accomplished or conveyed then I put it off...a lot...When your text or email notifications going off make your system flood with adrenaline you tend to avoid whatever you can. My therapist actually got on to me about it! I actually don't mind that. She uses to more client-centered approach. And while I'm not expecting anyone else to do stuff for me, sometimes I wouldn't mind if she were harder on me.