How truthful can I be on here? Doesn't matter since no one reads it anymore.

So...I don't think I'm doing so great. I've been aware of it for a while. And I'd be determined to "just do better". Then fail because I just don't care, even though I feel worthless and like I'm drowning as I play another game on my phone as I lay is the cluttered...and kind of dirty...mess that is my house. I spend most of my time at home in my bed. I have dirty dishes all over the house. Dirty and clean laundry is everywhere. If I were to pick up the trash one the floor it would be at least a trash bag's worth. And I live in a large studio, so it's not like it's that big.

What have I actually been up to? I have a cute job that I like but I keep failing at. I watch kiddos during their parents' appointments and do the paperwork at a small physical therapy office. I love it. There's a lot of work that I can do remotely. I somehow constantly seem to fall behind and get overwhelmed. I have another job that I do but don't tell people about unless I have to. It is a job my mother has done. A job that most people end up doing because it is unskilled. I get crap pay and no benefits. I do it for 70+ hours a week. I work five overnights a week, prompting me to spend many of my days in bed trying not to wear myself out so I can make it through the night, since I never know what work will be like. Sometimes I get to sleep all night. Others I don't even get to sit down, trying to help someone manage their body and their feelings. I'm worried that I will be denied a raise, that I can get a better job, and that if I do I will fail. So I stay here. And as we get back to normal hours in the office I have no clue how I'm going to manage. As for school, I somehow didn't manage to get my application in to move towards my bachelor's-no one is surprised there. I have no clue what I want to do. I have nothing that I'm really good at. And it's too much to care so I plod on.

The girls are...alive. I still don't get to talk to Claire or Zoe, though Claire will listen if I'm on the phone and make comments to Bree and Zoe will make comments that are for both of us, though there is no actual conversation that occurs. Claire is leaving next month for boot camp before she attends the Air Force Academy. She was valedictorian, though I don't know how much that means this year...Zoe is her awesome self, with an attitude that is all her own (except for her little sister-Big Sass and Little Sass. Think Tinker Bell with light brown, curly hair in fun size and mini size).Vee is...on her own journey. We're not sure if it is an organic chemistry issue or due to a head injury she had as a child. We haven't made it through a complete eval because the mental health system is something else out there and she had gone into acute or residential before or during every attempt. Her issues make it difficult to get providers to believe us and we often end up with cover ups and band aids once they realise what has happened. We're waiting to see how high the bills are for her last stay at acute. We're hoping we can get her to the point where she realises she needs to live her life differently. We're not sure we will ever get her there.

There's more. There's less. I think about talking to someone but I spent over a year talking in circles and never making progress. There's not really a good ending to this, but there's not point in going on. So I'll sign off.