How truthful can I be on here? Doesn't matter since no one reads it anymore.

So...I don't think I'm doing so great. I've been aware of it for a while. And I'd be determined to "just do better". Then fail because I just don't care, even though I feel worthless and like I'm drowning as I play another game on my phone as I lay is the cluttered...and kind of dirty...mess that is my house. I spend most of my time at home in my bed. I have dirty dishes all over the house. Dirty and clean laundry is everywhere. If I were to pick up the trash one the floor it would be at least a trash bag's worth. And I live in a large studio, so it's not like it's that big.

What have I actually been up to? I have a cute job that I like but I keep failing at. I watch kiddos during their parents' appointments and do the paperwork at a small physical therapy office. I love it. There's a lot of work that I can do remotely. I somehow constantly seem to fall behind and get overwhelmed. I have another job that I do but don't tell people about unless I have to. It is a job my mother has done. A job that most people end up doing because it is unskilled. I get crap pay and no benefits. I do it for 70+ hours a week. I work five overnights a week, prompting me to spend many of my days in bed trying not to wear myself out so I can make it through the night, since I never know what work will be like. Sometimes I get to sleep all night. Others I don't even get to sit down, trying to help someone manage their body and their feelings. I'm worried that I will be denied a raise, that I can get a better job, and that if I do I will fail. So I stay here. And as we get back to normal hours in the office I have no clue how I'm going to manage. As for school, I somehow didn't manage to get my application in to move towards my bachelor's-no one is surprised there. I have no clue what I want to do. I have nothing that I'm really good at. And it's too much to care so I plod on.

The girls are...alive. I still don't get to talk to Claire or Zoe, though Claire will listen if I'm on the phone and make comments to Bree and Zoe will make comments that are for both of us, though there is no actual conversation that occurs. Claire is leaving next month for boot camp before she attends the Air Force Academy. She was valedictorian, though I don't know how much that means this year...Zoe is her awesome self, with an attitude that is all her own (except for her little sister-Big Sass and Little Sass. Think Tinker Bell with light brown, curly hair in fun size and mini size).Vee is...on her own journey. We're not sure if it is an organic chemistry issue or due to a head injury she had as a child. We haven't made it through a complete eval because the mental health system is something else out there and she had gone into acute or residential before or during every attempt. Her issues make it difficult to get providers to believe us and we often end up with cover ups and band aids once they realise what has happened. We're waiting to see how high the bills are for her last stay at acute. We're hoping we can get her to the point where she realises she needs to live her life differently. We're not sure we will ever get her there.

There's more. There's less. I think about talking to someone but I spent over a year talking in circles and never making progress. There's not really a good ending to this, but there's not point in going on. So I'll sign off.

Aww, I remember blogging!

Ha! So it's been two years. That's crazy! And most of the blogs I read have fizzled out. Which is sad, but understandable. Sometimes it just goes by the wayside. Sometimes we're ashamed or disgusted by how our life is going. Sometimes we find a new platform. And to be honest, it's not like this blog was super useful for anything. But I liked doing it.

What I won't usually say...

So I'm part of a fitness challenge on Facebook. We've all seen them. You join, you flit in and out for a week and then you peter put. But you're "friends" with the lady so you join the next one and do the same thing. I have about 6 weeks until some friends come into town. They don't care what I look like, but it's a date on the calendar, a deadline. This new challenge is also encouraging us to spend time with God as well, a spiritual and physical work out challenge. And so I really want to commit, a birthday two days ago, a new name today, a new month. And I started to write on the page. But it was really personal. So I quit. There was potential for too much interaction. But here's what I started. I stopped writing before I finished so I finished it here. Because I do need to say it.

Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm the one that will sign up and then disappear and will do well for two days and then give up and like myself even less then decide it doesn't matter anyway. I have been having a hard time even believing God exists. I work long hours. I will usually choose to sit and do nothing than anything useful. I have a hard time focusing on the positive when it comes to myself. I don't like the way I look, and part of that is because of how I feel about myself. And why I look the way I do. I don't feel that I am worth it, either mentally/emotionally or physically. I notice the same thing with my home.

Still no clue what to do about my relationship with God...

Oh My Goodness, I've Missed Y'all!!!

So. I started blogging again to log my experience with Plexus Slim for 6 weeks. In general I feel great. I eat less. I do a lot better than I used to with cravings, though I have been slipping. My exercise hasn't been what I want it to be. My fault. I've been lazy. I'm down a pants size since I started, from a 10 to an 8 for the most part. I haven't been taking full advantage of the Slim, though. IT IS A TOOL!!! Not a magic pill (or drink!). And, at week 5, I wish I had taken better advantage of it. I was pretty burnt out from the last 4 months, though. I DO want to continue for one more month, but am not sure if I'll be able to. Summers are hard pay-wise, between no pay in July or, if you're lucky and pick up summer school and VERY short month, camps for the girls and life in general. And unfortunately that's when I chose to start Plexus. In general I would have bought an extra month's worth earlier in the year. As an "ambassador" and with shipping and handling it is still 75 cents less than an iced coffee every day. And while I have been drinking more coffee since I quit soda, it is still more affordable than most of our habits. I just need to get rid of the coffee one ;)

So where have I been? I had a hard week. And then it felt like a huge burden to catch up. So I avoided it. Yes, I know I said I was working on that. Well this is me working on it. As I was blogging I started adding more personal stuff to it. And I honestly don't know if anyone outside of Sarah Dean (Hi Sarah!!!) is reading. But it feels nice to write, though it is obviously not one of my gifts. And that's okay. It is fun. Does this stay fairly impersonal? Yeah, to an extent. I'll talk about menstrual cycles and mammos all you want. Or more of I keep the really personal stuff in, as we all do.

So what have I been up to? I rearranged half the house. My cousin helped with the living room. I did my bedroom. I have my "office" in the bedroom. It was housed in a cheap, tall bookcase, whose addition necessitated the rearranging of my room (that and my bed against the windows wasn't working for me I don't care what the doctors say, it does make you sick...). So I moved my bed and two-ton dresser...at which point my bookcase snaps in half because it's, well, cheap! And I ended up not needing to change almost anything, but because I already had I wasn't moving it back. Crap's HEAVY! But my room is clean and my drawers are usable. It's been a while. 

My living room. It now has half the furniture in it. And it looks adorable!!! It's nice to come home!!! Mind you, we just did it last night. After a walk on the beach and a great dinner at Ruby's. Shirley Temples, BABY! Except not the cherries. I hate maraschino cherries...

My cousin and I have been working out. And she has a favorite saying. So I had shirts made for us with it on it. And since this started out about weight loss I'll show you the photo of me wearing them, 'cause I don't look as fat as I used to. The awesome Christina made these for us. Check her out. Large and small orders, anything you need customized. She also loves working out and her hubby is a great photographer :) 

The pink is Sarah's, she likes the formfitting tanks when she works out. Mine's the orange because I like the looser. But I'm wearing both in these pics.

So that's kinda it. Not all, I'm sure I've forgotten bits. That has been the hard part. There have been things that I wanted to share. I just couldn't bring myself to get on. And some of those may be lost forever. Were they important? No. But I got to "tell" my friends. Sheesh, I need a life! And it's only going to get worse with work and school starting again...

Moonlight Monday

Well, first off, I forgot my Slim all day. It's hard to write a post about how something makes you feel if you forget to take it. But I'll go over the past few weeks. Then I'll get to my fun day :)

First, it lets me know when I eat a bunch of junk. It then proceeds to flush it from my system thoroughly!

I do not feel nearly as "hungry" (maybe more just wanting to eat) and my mind/mouth isn't stuck on a flavor or food until I can't think about anything else.

I do wake up pretty refreshed, though I will throw in that I haven't had to leave the house at 7 am like I do during the school year.

For the most part I don't feel tired during the day. There are always exceptions, but those were usually due to extra exercise or an emotional day.

My Sarah that is in love with Plexus says she feels clearer-headed. I do not disagree but don't know if I am officially clear-headed. There is a lot to clear up in there...

So, my day! It started with a homemade soy latte. Then Cousin Sarah and I went for a walk...to Starbucks ;) Skinny, sugar free Vanilla Latte, baby! We walked back with our drinks, bringing us to almost 3 miles. We also did our abs. After hanging around her place for a bit, including eggs and toast for breakfast, she decided we would go to Moonlight Beach in Carlsbad. It was nice! And the bathrooms were so clean!!! We didn't get in the water, but I helped Nephew 2 build sand castles. We had Trader Joe's turkey club wraps, pink lemonade cupcakes, blueberries, persian cucumbers and cheese doodles! I made it to work and had ham and beans. Mainly because that's what I had time to pack! My after work snack wash half a Lavash wrap and two pieces of turkey lunch meat. Overall I ended up at 1550 calories. I remember when I would eat that at one sitting!

It was fun eating just bits of the fun foods at the beach. Though I never got one of the uncrustables the kids had. Those are so good! I wonder if we could get them to make a peanut butter and pickle version...

Fun In The Sun-day

You know, I'm liking these cheesy titles ;)

The day started off funny. I did homework and then we had to get ready for church. I never thought I would think 9:00 was too early for something but that's how church feels when I have to make sure Vee is ready, too. She sleeps until 7:45-8:00, which is WAY later than I sleep! So I never got to my Slim. I did have a small bowl of beans and a latte made with Thin Mint creamer because I used the rest of the milk in the corn bread.

Lunch (and dinner) was chipotle. I don't think I had ordered from there before. Maybe once. And let me tell you, that is not a place you can easily make good choices! But since the burritos are so large I had no problem making two meals out of it. Though I did have my Slim and a sandwich for a snack in-between (I forgot my veggies again!).

But then I ran into trouble. Slim is doing a great job in helping me control my cravings and not feeling as hungry. But my head still wins sometimes. Like last night. I had to go to Fresh&Easy for milk. And my brain said "You might get hungry. You know you can't go to sleep if you're hungry!" And macaroni and cheese cakes were on sale (think crab cakes except with mac-n-cheese). So I got them. And ate all 350 salty, not that great, carb-loaded calories right before bed. I try to make sure I let myself have yummy food. But that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. The mac-n-cheese cakes were a mistake...

I didn't exercise, per se, but we went to the beach and played in the waves a lot :) And I took a photo in my bathing suit for you ;)

We call this the Randi pose. She looks a lot cuter when she does it ;)

Saturday "Sat Around"-day Day 20

Vee and I...sat. And laid. And chilled. And watched a bunch of anime. She played, I promise. I talked to my best friend/sistery person. Hi, Randi!!! I got the bathroom mostly cleaned and organized. But not much exercise. Or movement. Or anything. And I loved it!!!

Breakfast was Slim, oatmeal, soy milk and strawberries. I had 2/3 cup of oats and it was too much.

Lunch was 2 ounces of tuna with brown mustard and a teaspoon of mayo with two pieces of bread. You know, I never got around to getting my veggies out!!!

Dinner was ham and beans with cornbread. I made it with soy milk and flaxmeal instead of eggs. It wasn't bad. We're still working on some of the substitutions...I didn't add any salt to the beans and it was still too salty. But that is comfort food for me. Wow, another deficit of veggies...not normal.

I'll admit, I had a piece and a half of peppermint bark and a mini twix. I also finished my soda from the night before. We split the last three peppermint thins to get rid of them. I ate the twix because I was walking around and saw the bag and ate one. I put those in the freezer. I don't like hard chocolate. The soda was diet and I STILL have that chemical sweetener taste in my mouth. That used to be a constant. I'm glad it's gone. But because I was drinking that soda all day I didn't drink enough water. But I felt in control, which I'm honestly giving credit to the Slim for. Normally I would have had to eat it all so it was out of the house. But I felt good. And able to resist. It's a great feeling!

Yeah...You Won't Be Seeing Those...

I took some photos of myself. Boy shorts and the cheap sports/shelf bras I wear around the house. I figured I've scared off all the males and since this is about weight loss using Slim it would be okay. My niece and nephews saw me in about the same yesterday. Except I couldn't post them. At first I was thinking "Okay, that's not so bad. I can see the spoon shape." Not a pear, a spoon. Then I saw the flabby belly. And the way my undies press in. And my loose arms. And my thighs that TOUCH.

I hate working out. I have no problem with moving. But once it gets hard I get out of there! I'm kind of working on that, both the working out and the tendency to avoid hard things/things I don't want to do. Having a workout partner helps. Thanks, Sarah! But, you only get out of it what you put into it.

Actually, I will post one of the photos...

My funny bed head. I think I went swimming the day before and forgot to wash it :P

Friday "Try"-day Day 19

I went and did something new!!! But let's start at the beginning ;)

I met my mom and grandmother for breakfast at Denny's in Mission Valley. It was packed! I tried the Fit Fare Veggie Skillet. Decent flavor and texture. 340 calories (really good for eating out). And pretty greasy at the end. But not bad.

Then I went PADDLEBOARDING!!! For five minutes. And managed to fall in...It was windy so we decided to turn them in for kayaks and on the last turn I wasn't able to turn all the way before the wind pushed me into the rocks. Oh well. I am aware that I am not the most coordinated. I've learned to live with it and laugh at it most of the time. Ask Randi about ice skating ;) So my friend and I kayaked for a good hour and a half or so. It was awesome! I killed my fingers on the side of the kayak. I got sunburned because the sunblock wasn't in the car. And I got to spend time with someone who has been really important to me for most of my life. Goodness, almost 20 years.

She also suggested a great fish and chips place where we split a shrimp salad and divvied up some fish and chips, though I ate the lion's share of that.

So on the time with Vee. Who sweet talked me into The Minions. Last time we went the tickets were $6.50 each. They were NOT $6.50 this time :( But we were already there. Then, I was stupid. We had already decided we wouldn't get anything from the concession stand. But I wanted a drink. You know, to go with the mini Twix, Andes peppermint bark and teriyaki nori that we brought with us. I drink all the time. Like at least 120 ounces of water a day if I'm using the trenta cups from Starbucks. I love those cups! And I usually drink more than that. So I got a soda. We sat down and I wanted popcorn. I could have told myself no. I should have told myself no. But I didn't. And then Vee wanted a drink. Fair enough, she doesn't really like what I usually get. Not I'm not upset about the food or calories. I'm more frustrated that I had to work 3 hours to earn  what I spent and that I did it anyway. The tickets were one thing. And not worth getting upset about. But the food was my own fault. Vee was against it. Sometimes kiddo knows best.

I definitely started feeling the rowing by the end of the night. At first it loosened up what was sore from Thursday. Then it started feeling twingey. I love that feeling! I didn't drink my Plexus Slim until we got home and dinner was just a quick mash of rice, beans, chili's and tomatoes. Some things just end on an odd note, rather like this post :P

Day 18

I worked out with my cousin. It's so much more fun with someone else! Even if I was typing for half our walk. Sorry, Sarah! Next we went to the park and did some arm exercises and then home and did some ab exercises. Breakfast was a boiled egg, a piece of toast and butter, some coffee and creamer and some blueberries. I love breakfasts where I don't have to cook! Then just hanging out, playing in the pool and sitting in the sun :) Slim and lunch around 1:30. In an attempt to transition from meat I'm starting to use beans. So lunch was half a cup of great northern beans, 1/2 a cup brown rice, 2 tbsp green chiles and a tbsp tomato paste. It was okay. Definitely edible. I'm not big on beans, so I guess I'll make a pot, like I do for rice. I also didn't feel FULL but beans and rice are both so full of calories that I was being conservative. I'll probably do 2/3 cup each next time. Dinner was pork chop, rice and Brussel sprouts and my snacks throughout the day were strawberries, popcorn rice cakes, a half turkey sandwich and a half cup of soy milk. Oh, and a trenta sugar free iced coffee...Overall it came to 1130 calories. Plenty of water.

I was tired. Like lay down and still not snap out of it tired. I didn't sleep well Wednesday night. No real reason, just didn't. Tonight was also my first day back to my normal evening schedule at work and it felt SOOOO late. So when I got off I came home and...laid in bed for forever

I did things I didn't want to do! If it is an activity I will often get it over with. But if it's a conversation where I will feel vulnerable or where I'm not sure I'll be successful in accomplishing or conveying what needs to be accomplished or conveyed then I put it off...a lot...When your text or email notifications going off make your system flood with adrenaline you tend to avoid whatever you can. My therapist actually got on to me about it! I actually don't mind that. She uses to more client-centered approach. And while I'm not expecting anyone else to do stuff for me, sometimes I wouldn't mind if she were harder on me.

Working On This Today And Everyday

Day 17 and I Couldn't Work Out Alliteration For It...

So food...I started watching calories again. I think my LoseIt! app set me at 1100 something but I am cool with 1200. Breakfast was Slim, potatoes, mushrooms and sausage and a homemade soy latte. I put a teaspoon of sugar in there but decided it wasn't worth it because I couldn't really taste it. Snack was a half sandwich and mini peppers. Lunch was a portobello sandwich, tomatoes and mini bell peppers. Dinner was 1/2 cup brown rice, a dry sauteed zucchini and 2.5 ounces of pork chop with a mystery marinade from before I started choosing to lose weight. And a cookie. It was a yummy cookie. But again, I was totally fine with just the one. I ate dinner early so I had another half sandwich with two pieces of meat and another latte with no sugar. Except I had another piece of bread and meat to soak up some of the jitteries so I could try to sleep. I wnded up at 1214 calories. And at least four 30 ounce cups of water.

Energy-wise I felt good! I worked through the coffee sleepies (I'm not 100% sure why I actually drink coffee...I'm not even positive if I like it! But it is easier to drink unsweetened than tea). Being busy and halfway motivated helped. No set exercise today. And that's okay because I'm sorer than I thought I'd be from yesterday's workout since I didn't push myself like I could have. Can't wait to do it again tomorrow!

Today I cleaned the kitchen. It took most of the day. Y'all, I'm going to be transparent. I'm not usually because this blog has been used against me (I'm not paranoid, I promise). So if that's why you're here, "Hi. I'll see you when I pick up the girls :)" Otherwise, here's where I started this morning and where I finished at...

This area was messier than it looks!

I even hung up the candle holder and trivets :)

Organized, wiped out and all of the mystery stuff gone.
Plus it helped me menu plan!

After, Vee and I went to the beach and played soccer and walked the pier. She actually asked to do the pier and then wanted to do it again! This is huge! Even two years ago I had to carry her over the doorway of elevators because the cracks scared her. The pier is ALL cracks! She had issues with it earlier this year and she has NEVER asked to go. So I was stoked. Then we saw a seal right below us and dolphins not for off! DUDE! Unfortunately all of my pictures are lamesauce. Next phone is going to have a kick butt camera!

Breasts, Best Cousins and Boats

So firstly, I forgot my Slim. Today's going to be more chronological than categorical. This will explain why.

My morning started with a trenta iced coffee. Then on to...THE MAMMOGRAM!!! (insert dun.dun.dun noise) Sometime in the week before school ended and I went to Utah to visit Randi I found a large lump in my breast. I waited through a whole cycle to make sure it didn't change and then called the doctor. With my age and history I knew what it was, it just still needed to be checked out. So cue my first mammogram and an ultrasound at age 31. And..it wasn't that bad. Typically they take two shots on each side. One with the machine facing straight on and then a side view of a sorts where they tilt the aching to 45 degrees. Those were fine. At the site of the lump we had to take extra shots and one of those was a tish uncomfortable, but I am obviously here to tell the tale. The ultrasound wasn't nearly as cute as looking at baby ultrasounds. And the final verdict...is exactly what I knew that it was before. benign, harmless and a bit irritating but painless.

And in all this I have only had some coffee and an apple! I raced to work because the other girls were sweet and were helping me out. Thankfully I had a slim-fast and a pork, yam and broccolini meal from Fresh&Easy while I was there. One of the guys from summer school said he would call me and we could go running with a group he goes with. I didn't really expect it to happen. And it didn't but I opened up my schedule just in case. And my cousin texted me! And we worked out to Jillian Michaels (who is evil!). And we went swimming. And we hung out. And we had taco boats! They are cool!!! But I had to pay attention and not overfill them. We also had brownies and I had coffee. And you know what...I wasn't feeling the brownies. They were yummy but I was fine just having one,

And the best part is that I stole some of my cousin's clothes after we went swimming. I looked like Christmas! 

Day 15

Slim and a thin bagel and three pieces of lunch meat and mini bell peppers for breakfast. A soy latte from home. An apple and a banana for snack at work. I had the same thing for lunch as for breakfast. A popcorn rice cake and some random veggies. I tried to be super conscious about the snacking and the reasons behind it. So I had a lot more water at home today. Dinner was a large bit of fish and brown rice and peas.

I'm feeling a lot more convicted about eating meat. It's one thing to "not like how they're treated", which is where I've been so far, and realizing you are biting into a piece of an animal and tearing its flesh apart...so I guess I'm going to be eating a lot of beans until we decide how bad soy really is for us. Though I'm still not against eggs if I had chickens or milk if I had goats. But since I don't we've been skipping those, too.

I went for a run that ended up mostly walk. Like ALL walk. I went around my neighbourhood instead of the beach. Elevation sucks. Hills suck. Humidity sucks. Heat sucks. And forgetting my water bottle sucks. Oh well, just means I have to work harder...

Days 13 and 14

The weekend was...there. It was raining and I felt blah, which is not a usual thing for me. So while I took my Slim I still had a hard time with eating too much. I would do fine until the late evening. I think part of it was not enough water and part of it was wanting something I couldn't identify. And an off schedule due to working earlier and for less hours.

I've done well the last two weeks with not wanting sweets, but Sunday I had whipped cream...then whipped cream with hot cocoa powder mixed in...eaten with crackers. It might have been a craving for iron, which is why chocolate is so popular in conjunction with hormone cycles. And I don't have any in the house. This is often a problem for me...

I measured again, since it's been two weeks. And I have lost a grand total of...0 inches. Even though I've lost some pounds. This is my fault, though, for not exercising. The biggest thing is remembering that Slim is a tool, not a magic wand. I worked hard to lose the 30 pounds with no help. I still have to keep working hard, even though I'm tired. The Slim can't work if I'm not giving it anything to work with. Or if I'm overloading it with junk.

Day Twelve

I WENT RUNNING!!! Well, walking fast with a tish of running.

And my feet hurt! And my back is workout sore! And I'm tired! And I feel AWESOME!!! We'll see if I still feel like that when it's time to go out tomorrow ;)

Slim and boost in the morning followed by cottage cheese, a thin bagel and some watermelon. And of course coffee and creamer :) I had half a cinnamon sugar bagel with cream cheese at work. It was the only one in half. But I didn't have any chocolate! An apple before my walk (I hate saying that, I feel like I'm 60 going around the block in my keds...). Half a quesadilla from Tuesday and some coffee with sweet-n-low. I used to love it. I hate sugary sodas and would only drink diet. But now I'm not liking it in anything. So YAY!!! I miss soda but I'm hanging in there! Dinner was a portobello and spinach on a piece of processed bread and some Brussel sprouts with bacon and a butter sauce. So they weren't healthy like I usually do but they were yummy. Except since there wasn't much protein or many carbs I ended up eating two pieces of lunch meat and some brown rice and spaghetti sauce. I really just want more coffee and I haven't had nearly enough water.

This was stolen from a friend's Facebook page and I have no clue where she stole it from, but it is accurate. It still takes work and hurts and doesn't always seem worth it but looking back it was worth it.

Though this one works, too...

And LOL, even Quizzdoos are telling me I should run more...

The quiz was "What new hobby I should take up" ;)

Day 11 with some Day 10 stuff

Slim and boost with cottage cheese and a thin bagel and coffee and creamer. I had some awesome bread pudding today and I don't like bread pudding! It wasn't gooey :) I also tried a papusa. It was school food, so not great but it was still good. Then I did something that was hard for me. I went out with some coworkers. I had a Georgia Peach Mule and sweet potato fries...and some fried zucchini...and cheesy bread...and a fried pickle spear...Dinner was a thin bagel with turkey lunch meat and mini bell peppers and cauliflower with a bit of hummus. And another coffee.

So I weighed yesterday. My first picture put me at 143 but it was a tad high. Yesterday morning was...

And it was pointed out that I never posted any real photos, so here ya go...

You can see why I don't usually like photos.

I gain weight in my belly and the chub you see isn't made worse by my pants, that's just how it is. My 10s are getting loose!

Tenth Day

My Slim and boost didn't come in the mail until the afternoon. Breakfast was cottage cheese and some watermelon and iced coffee with creamer. I ended up splitting a breakfast burrito with someone and it was a good thing, I was having a hard time with patience with some of my students. I forgot lunch. Dinner was spaghetti and kale and potatoes. Later dinner was more spaghetti...and the rest of the breaded fish...and two small rice cakes with hummus and a piece of turkey...

I took my Slim and boost before dinner. I wasn't tired during the day but about an hour after I took the boost I tanked. I don't think the boost was responsible, though, because I sat down and it was after 6:00. Part of why I have to keep going is because generally otherwise I'll crash. I do think the boost has been helping with that but it's hard to tell because I don't usually stop.

Day 9, Doctor's Appointment, Don't Know What To Wear

Today I weighed! But forgot to take pics. So tomorrow it is. Hopefully. Slim and boost in the morning with a thin bagel and 1/2 of cottage cheese. I took some coffee and creamer to work. I tried Pioneer Woman's Iced coffee! I had part of an apple for snack, like just the part around the middle. Lunch was half a quesadilla from Frazier Farms (a local Sprouts-type store) with a LOT of onions and cilantro! Right before a doctor's appointment! Dinner was a quinoa spinach salad with about 2/3 of the dressing pack and a "healthy" frozen dinner. Then after work I got a taco and small fries from Del Taco...

I wasn't too hungry today and my energy was fine. It felt much better than feeling put of control like the last few days. But I have to get over some times were I expect to eat. I feel like Pavlov's dog. As soon as I get in the car to go home from work it's "Ooh, I'm going home from work, I must be hungry!" So last night I had some fruit and veggies. Then I ended up having a piece of bread and two pieces of turkey. I have convinced myself that if I feel hungry I won't go to sleep. And sometimes I say, whatever,  I don't care, so what if it's a bad choice it doesn't matter. And not in a good attitude. Hence the Del Taco.

I went to the doctor today. I had found something to keep an eye on and after over a month decided to go in. I know it's one of two things, both nonserious. So I go and I'm told "You have this." Yeah, duh. That's why I called. So they will call me to set up tests. I know it probably weeds through lots of unnecessary tests and such, but the whole appointment felt like a waste. I know the next steps. I know what that word and procedure are. I can tell you which two things I think it is. Do I really have to come back here? Apparently the answer is yes.

And so...clothes! I have managed to not wear the same shirt for the whole three and a half weeks of summer school. At first it was because I had picked up some cute clothes while shopping with my sister. They have some good thrift stores and consignment shops in Utah! I had also picked up some cute pieces in a thrift store by where I grew up in East County. So it kind of became a game about halfway through the second week. And I have tomorrow figured out. And Friday. But am stuck for Thursday. And I'm choosing to fuss over this than other junk because sometimes you need to focus on something silly.

Day 8

And I need more Slim! And I didn't go running today because I had homework which didn't take as long as I was worried it would but I was already home. And tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. And Wednesday I have therapy. And Thursday I'm supposed to go out with friends. And Friday I will probably be behind on my homework again! Ugh.

I took my Slim and boost right when I got up and forgot to weigh! So I'll do that tomorrow. Breakfast was peanut butter and pickle on a thin bagel and a trenta sugar free iced coffee. My Starbucks card is empty, so it's no more Starbucks :( Though someone asked if the whole thing had been full of coffee. I told them I just gave up soda, coffee was my next thing! I was hungry when I got home from work, and had a slim-fast and a piece of watermelon around 1:00 or so. Second lunch around 3:00 was a sandwich on 2 pieces of 45 calorie processed bread and two pieces of lunch meat and a handful of sugar snap peas. Dinner around 6:00 was reruns of breaded fish and rice and a sauteed zucchini. The problem was I wasn't quite hungry but kept feeling like I should eat. So it was more of a compulsion than a need. I'm trying to work on that. Throughout the day I threw in some cucumber sticks. When I got home from work I had 3 pieces of watermelon and a handful of snap peas. I tend to treat veggies as a whatever, whenever food but am thinking I need to reclassify them as a gateway food-they do just enough to make you want something more. So I'm drinking more water and telling my taste buds they need to be quiet.

~~~*~~~*~~~Girl Talk Below~~~*~~~*~~~

I didn't feel as tired as I have been lately. But I haven't been feeling as full. Today was the first day or the day before the first day of my cycle and I'm really wondering if that has anything to do with it. I know I've been thinking it would start soon but I was off by a few days. I finally broke down and started using a tracker and realized my cycles are around 34 days long. So I'm not going to complain, but I can't say "Oh, that was around the 12th, that should start again soon."