Day Seven. A Day Late Because I'm Disappointed In Myself.

Yesterday, Sunday, started with my Slim and boost. Breakfast was good. A mini bagel, cream cheese, watermelon, soy yogurt and bacon. It was a large breakfast but not too bad. Trenta sugar free iced coffee during working the nursery. Then lunch. And someone had the dumb idea to get pizza. I initially stopped at two pieces. Later I had two more pieces, like around 5:00. So not horrible, right? 4 pieces in a day isn't horrible. Except the last piece kept calling to me. Can y'all guess who won? It wasn't me. Then I still had rice and bacon later that night! And somewhere in there I ate a pint of tomatoes...And a bowl of lucky Charms and the last of the milk...The worst part was I didn't have that full feeling I had had the past week. That was how I was more in charge of not eating all the time.

I nodded off while we watched a movie, but I had also worked the two-year-old room during church. My back muscles let me know they got a good workout from carrying toddlers later, too!

I'm hoping the full feeling isn't gone. I actually appreciated it. I'm also hoping my shipment comes in soon! I ordered later on day 5 and am now on day 8. They just shipped last night and I'm not positive the package has actually officially left. It's not that they are taking too long, l just don't want to have a gap.

But today is a new day and it is worth it to keep going even if it isn't as easy as before (I think it was a one time thing, either due to hormones or emotions). So you tell yourself to stop whining!

On the plus side Vee and I painted our "pantry" so I can get my fridge and counter back which will make making good choices in the kitchen easier!

Sixth Day...

So last night I went to Bunco. It was a lot of fun. It was potluck...I took veggies and hummus ;) But I did okay with food. I had a plate of yummies!

What you don't see are two of these! Oh goodness, they were delicious!

And something happened that has never happened...I stopped eating. If there is food out I am usually constantly picking at it. I did have one extra wonton and it was so not worth it. It was awesome to not be constantly wandering by the food table picking stuff up. It was a friend's birthday and I did finish her cupcake. She'd eaten about 2/3 and I ate the rest. It was the perfect amount and while it tasted good I just didn't want any more. I felt free!!!

And then today...we went out around 7:15 to get some stuff to refinish a bookcase. Before breakfast. You can see where this is going...I didn't have my Slim and boost. That's okay, you can have it before any meal. Then we ended up going from Lowe's the Food4Less to WalMart to WalMart to get gas. Except there was a stop to Jack In The Box in there...two tacos and some curly fries later and Vee and I weren't feeling super great. I'm glad the eight-year-old is able to tell that she feels yucky when she eats junk food :) We also had a taco and a few curly fries for snack. Yuck.

I had my Slim and boost around 12:30 and lunch around 1:00 was 2/3 of a thin bagel (Vee's a bagel thief!), 1/2 cup of cottage cheese and a bunch of veggies from last night. Much better!!! I had a homemade coconut milk latte and some watermelon throughout the day. Watermelon sticks are fantastic!

Dinner around 5:30 was a 1/2 cup of rice that I didn't eat much of, a quarter head of roasted cauliflower and some breaded tilapia. I was hungry by 7:45. I'm guessing because I didn't eat my rice. I was also short on water which I know didn't help anything. I had a 1/3 cup of rice and 2 sausage links around 8:45.

Energy...I nodded off today around 2:00 or so. But I got a good bit done and didn't feel draggy today, so that was good.

Thoughts on blogging this. At first it was a good idea, and I still think it is, but it's starting to feel like a chore. And I'm back to measuring food. I don't feel the need to obsess over calories, focusing more on content than content and numbers. I feel fairly confident listening to when I'm full (except today, today feels off-my mouth is saying "feed me" but I'm trying to listen to my stomach, which isn't really saying anything". And I know all this isn't necessarily super interesting to you. Blogging's mainly for me anyway, but still.

Day Five and I'm gonna Party!!!

Breakfast was Slim and boost, Starbucks English muffin with cage-free egg whites and turkey bacon and another trenta iced coffee. While I wasn't AS beat as the last few days I was still tired. I had not quite a half of a piece of pizza at school and I got all the pepperoni. The person I shared it with is a vegetarian, so I got it all!!! (a note on that in a bit) Lunch around 2:30 was "fast-food", meaning whatever fresh&easy had on clearance and I could microwave there. Today it was chicken caprese, so pretty much a chicken breast piece, pasta, spinach, mozzarella and tomatoes. Dinner will be whatever we're having at Bunco! I'm spending time with adults! Someone might even say my name and be talking to me as opposed to work Jessica or school Jessica.

I haven't had enough water yet today. And even when my body felt hungry my stomach never felt empty. Almost like when you drink too much water and you feel all sloshy but without the sloshy itself. So lunch almost felt like too much. So I'm hopeful I'll be able to listen to my body tonight.

I ordered product and after talking to my amazing Sarah I decided to go with just the Slim, though I'll finish my boosts to see if my body starts feeling energized by it. I have taken 5 (I think) of the 12 that I have. If I get a better reaction over the next few days I'll get some more. There's a probiotic that would be nice to try, but not right away.

So we're trying to go cruelty free. Except sometimes I forget, like when I go out to eat. It's a new concept for me and I don't impose it on the girls but am introducing it to them. I don't necessarily mind eating meat. But I don't agree with how animals are treated and slaughtered. So we're slowly transitioning. If I had chickens then it would be "eat all the eggs!" but since we don't have chickens, or a cow or anything else meatish, we're using up what's in the freezer and working on new types of protein.

Day Four

And it's time to commit. I need to buy more supplies in order to do the full 6 weeks and I need to do it soon. And it's a little scary because it's a bit expensive. Especially since it's only been four days.

But in the four days I have definitely been less hungry and I've totally been able to deal with the cravings. Not even "I deserve this because of ______________ or ____________". I'm not sure about the energy part, though, the boost. Between my mum and my youngest being diagnosed with ADD and knowing myself and my habits and the fact that stimulants often put me to sleep I probably should have realized this sooner. I have been pretty tired the last few days and didn't even think about it until talking with one of my colleagues. She has personal experience with the same situation and she's a special education teacher. But Plexus has other add-ons or I may just do the Plexus. It's actually called Slim, so I suppose I ought to call it that.

Yesterday I posted I wasn't quite sure how it works. Here's a little blurb. Nothing overly scientific...

Today foodwise I had a bagel thin with peanut butter and coconut milk, half of each for breakfast and snack around 2:00. Snack at work was a pack of carrots and I had a trenta iced caramel coffee (no milk or half and half, just coffee) before a 1:00 appointment. I had an early dinner around 4:00 of the rest of my spaghetti and garlic bread from last night and a Tropical Chicken Salad with no dressing from fresh&easy after 8:00. The salad was almost too much.

Water has been fine. Two bottles at work and two+ trenta cups this evening. Adults should be drinking half their bodyweight in ounces of water. So I'm 142ish which means I need at least 71 ounces of water. If I exercise I drink at least another 24 ounces. For kiddos we aim for their weight in ounces.

I haven't officially really lost any weight yet, but the low has gotten a smidge lower, it's just not consistently there all the time. I'm also due to restart my cycle soon so we'll blame it on that ;)

Day Three

This whole "30 minutes before eating" thing is kinda buggin'. I went down to have breakfast with my mom and got stuck in traffic. I drank it in the car when I should have been about 30 minutes out but...Then my breakfast got delayed by a phone call. I need to see how close to a half hour before it needs to be. I had breakfast at Ikea. A crappy but delicious breakfast. Fried/baked potato chunks, 2 pieces of sausage, scrambled eggs, french toast sticks with syrup and coffee. I made myself eat and it had to be something that would last because I knew I wouldn't feel like eating for a while due to nerves about a meeting.

Dinner was mediocre spaghetti and a piece of garlic bread at a pizza place-don't ask why I didn't just get pizza...and I get to eat it again tomorrow because there were leftovers :P So it's 9 pm and I'm not hungry at all but feel like eating, it's been a habit to eat when I get home from work and it's not the easiest one to break. I've had an okay amount of water, but probably not enough. I'm still going on that.

How am I feeling? My system isn't trying to clean itself out as much. I got really tired midday but it almost felt like the tired after you exercise the first few times, which has not been the case lately. Yay, Friday! I can't wait to go for a run. I'm just worried about how bad it's going to hurt! And I'm really tired right now but it's been a long day.

Second Day...

I got busy this morning and wasn't really feeling breakfast. I got to sleep around midnight last night and wasn't feeling getting up! I ironed and made my latte with 1/2 cup of coconut milk and realized I had to take my Plexus and boost but then remembered I had to eat. Except it was 730. You take the Plexus 30 minutes before you eat. I still can't remember if I took my boost but I could only find one more pill so I hope so. Breakfast was a banana and half of a potato, ham and egg scramble from fresh&easy that was on clearance.

At snack, the kids' lunch around 11:15, I was actually feeling somewhat hungry. I had another teeny banana and a bag of baby carrots (like a palm sized bag-25 calories or so). School gets out at 12:15 and I was truly hungry but nothing sounded good except more water. At school I had finished my latte and a bottle of water.

My main meal consisted of the lunch special and the halfway decent sushi place down the street. I felt too full but hoped I wouldn't have to eat much later. I've had another 3 glasses of water and a killer headache, which I'm guessing is from the chemicals in the soda rather than the caffeine.

Chicken cutlet, rice, salad, California roll and miso soup. I didn't eat all the rice...

"Dinner" consisted of ramien and an egg. I feel icky. But I was too blah to wash and cut up veggies. But I've had three grapefruit waters! And now you have to read the next paragraph because you're hooked. Muahahahaha!

I took the advice of a few friends and combined soda water or sparkling water or whatever it is with grapefruit juice. Why grapefruit? 'Cause it was on sale. You'll start to see a theme with that. AND I made you a video of me trying it. 'Cause I love y'all that much ;) On that note, it took me a few hours to finish that first glass. Not a fan, I've decided. I think I miss the sweet artificial chemicals, not the fizziness. Now I know...but don't I look adorable in my video ;)

So I'm not really into supplements and gimmicks to lose weight. The first thirty pounds were honestly hard won. I would make bad choices and see the results in how my system felt and how the numbers went up. I would make good choices and see the effects when I felt better (or evened out from the bad choices) and how the numbers would go down. At one point I was checking my fitbit and lose it apps constantly, which is silly considering the lose it only reflects what I put in there. I had them synced at one point but was driving myself crazy. I haven't worn my fitbit zip since Friday. I simply can't find it. That being said I'm giving this a try.

So why Plexus? It had the best sale. And my awesome friend that I would trust with anything in my life trusts Plexus. Not to put too much pressure on her ;) I don't really know how it works. Right now I'm just seeing if it does. I'll give it 6 weeks. 42 days. And see how I feel.

I haven't been able to go run for a week and I am really noticing a difference. The Plexus and boost are supposed to help with endurance and I can't wait to see if it's true!

Trying Something New

So in January I went to a conference with my cousin. My mama paid for the tickets and she left early! While it wasn't "meaty" it was a good reminder of how loved and valued I am. And that I was worthy of taking care of myself. Especially since no one else can. So I went home. I got on the scale. And saw 170.

Halloween 2014. And this was a kind picture!!!

January 25th. Love that hill!

So the next day I went for a walk at the beach. For like 2 miles or something like that. And I did a hill or two. And started watching what I ate.  I had joined a weight loss challenge a few weeks before but had just figured I was throwing the money away. I decided to actually make an effort. Soon I tried Zumba when they had it at church (we have a fitness group with a rotating schedule...I'm not overly fond of yoga, though that is how I knew I was "FAT". I could stretch but the fat was in the way...). And I lost 20 pounds on the challenge and came in tied for 3rd for percentage of body weight lost.

We had a round two where we set a goal. Mine was to get into the 130s, meaning 139.9 would count ;) And I made it right before I went to my sister's and ate everything! So for the last few weeks I've been about 141-142. And I feel fatter now than when I was 170. I didn't realize how heavy I was. There's no one to tell me and all of my clothes were stretchy. I was in 14s, almost 16s. Now I'm in 10s and almost 8s. But I'm not happy with were I'm at.

So 10 pounds is my goal. around 130. But mainly I'd like to be more toned. It's not for anyone. I live by myself and so it's not to please other people. It's more to be healthy and feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't have any before pictures, really. Or measurements. But right now I have a 32 inch waist, 39 inch hips, 22 inch thigh and wear a 36B/C bra,

One pill and one packet per day with some water :)

So enter Plexus. This morning I took a packet and a pill half an hour before I ate. Then I had breakfast. I took a few hours to dink a venti skinny vanilla latte with an extra shot (and now you know my order if you ever decide to bring me Starbucks ;) ). At snack I had two of the cutest, teeniest bananas!!! They weren't even special ones. For lunch it was half a whole wheat turkey wrap from Sprouts and a few handfuls of grape tomatoes and some super strong iced tea. Dinner was a cup of white rice (it cooks faster than brown, unfortunately), zucchini in a teaspoon or so of olive oil and about a cup of dark chicken. I finished my wrap and the pint of tomatoes and two bottles of water. Then I ate veggie straws in the car on the way home from work.

Me in new shoes from my sister!!! June 27, 2015

So how am I feeling? I didn't feel the energy that is supposed to be a benefit but I also worked super late after a late night the night before. But I wasn't really hungry. I had moments where I needed to eat but the cravings were definitely less than usual. My system is cleaning itself out, so it will be nice when all the ick is out. I really wanted a soda but I think part of it was more habit than anything. I'm a diet soda girl, but all of it's bad for you. I wanted more water but was balking at drinking it. Lemon in my water was suggested, as was sparkling water then adding my own lemon to see if it's the carbonization that I like. I usually feel like I need to eat (more of a feeling than a need) when I get home from work. Either I ate more veggie straws than I realized or the Plexus is working on the cravings. I really hope it's the Plexus!

I am...

...lost...hurt...scared...numb...apathetic...trying to hang on...closed off...lying...shutting everyone out...tired...not sure what to do...useless...worthless...a failure.

I am having a hard time with God. Forgiving Him, maybe? Possibly. Avoiding, for sure. Afraid if I rely or trust in Him my problems still won't resolve and then I'll be even more hurt and lost and feel worse for not trusting Him.

So...Here It Is

I promised I'd be back :) We're adjusting to our new schedule. Or I am...and I guess Justin. His schedule at work is rather erratic, though it's a consistent erratic (does that even work?). Sort of. He's bummed because he wasn't hired at a place he was hoping to get hired at which would have meant a HUGE pay raise but no time to complete school. and HE'S GOING TO COMPLETE SCHOOL OR ELSE  *through gritted teeth*. Hmm, there might be some frustration there on my part... I recently started working at the before and after school program in our district, though thankfully only the before part. Then Tuesdays and Thursdays (unless I sub for someone else and do an extra shift) I go to another school to noon duty (make sure the kids don't kill themselves or others during recess). I get off in time to get to the girls' school and pick them up-mostly. We'll see how parent teacher conference week goes when they get out early. And I missed Family Reading Friday (we get a new book and read to the kiddos at school), but God is providing for us and we're making it work :)

ClaireBeth is loving middle school. She has her classes (which she loves) plus she's doing year book, engineering club and going to the Christian club during lunch. She gets to do the Principal's page this year (that's HUGE!!!). And engineering club's first project is a robot. Her team is all the girls and they're planning on stomping the boys (no, I did not teach her that...). She's also going to youth group (Seriously? 6:30-8:30 every Tuesday? We're usually in bed by then!!!) and doing AWANA. I don't know how that girl has time to breathe...

ZoeBel-sorry, Zoe (she no longer likes the Bel)-is doing well. She is trying to start an art club during school. She's doing well in her academics. We had wanted a different teacher a little bit more (a guy teacher to see if that helped her behaviour here, she's always great at school...brat!) but God always knows better :) She has her and Vee's Kindergarten teacher and Mrs. Moody is just as amazing in third grade as she was in K. Zoe's behaviour we're still working on at home. Sometimes it's like a ray of sunshine and other times it's like the Wicked Witch of the West and the tornado all in one. She is doing AWANA (mainly because Justin and I go to small group and it's the same time and close by...) and she alternately loves it and hates it but she's doing well with it.

VeeZee is doing fantastic in Ms.Trotter's class. We weren't sure we wanted her there (some of her classmates, she's not with her best friend, little things like that) but again, God said "If you give her to me you have to trust me". And Vee is doing GREAT! She's the top for reading in her class. She's read 5,000 words in October since September. And this is the child who hated to read last year. She and her best friend have started a Dr. Seuss Club in our Family Reading Room at school (it helps that the lady who runs it is Miss T's grandma, but whatever. Gotta have connections ;) ). She's doing well at AWANA as well.

RachelLynn is hanging in there. Her teacher doesn't really need help and it's killing us because we don't get to be as involved in her school. She's doing AWANA down in Lemon Grove and she is playing soccer down there as well.

So that's an update :) I've missed you guys!!!

Hi Honey, I'm Home!!!

Oh my goodness, I've missed blogging. It took me a long time to realize that. And there were multiple reasons I haven't. The girls' dad's wife tries to use it against us every time she takes us back to court or calls CPS (about once every six months). Justin uses Gmail and I have to remember my login for Google (which blogger is set up on). It's polite to capitalize and "ain't nobody got time for that", though I will attempt to remember for y'all's sake. But facebook isn't the same as really getting in touch with people, and no one ever bothers to pick up the phone, so...in comes blogging! This isn't a long post since I should be cleaning the house and starting dinner. And posting resumes. And taking a shower. And probably three other things I can't remember since I can't gets post-it notes to work on the computer. But...I'll be back.