Mad

At this point, I am. I'm mad that Eric left. That I have no job and no schooling. That someone else is going to have to raise my daughters so that I can feed them. That my oldest is crying for someone that won't come. That I'm the only one to take care of the girls. That I don't know what to do. That I didn't know what to do before and that's why we ended up here. That San Diego's so expensive. That I don't live in either of the cities I could move to and so don't know where to start looking for a job. That Eric isn't willing to work it out. That God isn't fixing it right away. That God might not fix it so that I can grow. That the house is a mess all the time because I'm exhausted trying to keep up with three girls all day. That I spend more time cleaning than playing with the girls because the house is always a mess. That no matter what I do Eric isn't reconsidering. That I ever got into this mess in the first place. That I feel like my prayers are bouncing off the sky. That I'm mad at God-or at least frustrated because I don't know what's next.

So this is edited quite a bit. I posted the unabridged version but came back and took out some parts. Even if I'm upset and mad and hurt, Eric is still my husband and I should respect him, even if I don't agree with his choices. But I am normal, don't worry, I am quite irritated with him.

We Stayed Home.

So we didn't go to family camp. Ziggy has a bad tummy and I didn't want to infect the whole camp. I was already not wanting to go, but this was a good reason not too.

So What Now?

To be honest, I'm a little lost. I always figured when I went back to school that Eric would be there to take care of the girls and I would go slowly. So I never really stressed on what I would study because it wasn't time yet. I've had ideas along the way: aesthetician with thoughts of opening a pregnancy spa with exercise classes eventually; nurse-labor and delivery of course; anything with languages, especially Russian and sign-neither of which I've studied.

And now I have to figure out how to go to school to learn something (anything), find work and I still don't want someone else raising my children. It's not impossible, I just don't know where to start. If anyone has a clue will you let me know?

Is It Winter Already?

No, but I'll be at my father-in-law's tomorrow, family camp Friday, Saturday and Sunday and then back to work and school on Monday, so I thought I'd change it now. And hey, I didn't put it up before Halloween like the stores!

Where I'm At

I don't really know. As to Eric and I, I still don't want this to happen. He's sad and he's hurt and he can't see past that. I can understand, I just don't like it. I also don't like that I've hurt him like that, even if inadvertently. I'm still praying that God will soften Eric's heart and allow Eric to forgive me and let us work it out. But that's what I want. Does God tolerate divorce? Well, he allows for it in a few situations. As a believer, I am told to let the non-believer leave if they want to. Does that mean that I shouldn't fight? I don't know. God may have great opportunities for me that I can't have if I stay with Eric. Would God choose to have us divorce? I don't think so, but I'm not Him. He allows us to make our own choices, even our own bad choices, of which I too have made plenty. So that's what I think this is, is a bad choice. Will it hurt people? Yes, definitely. Is it what God would want to happen? No. Can something good come out of it if we do divorce? Of course, it's just hard to see right now.

So I go about trying to decide what to do. I can move to another state if I need/want to. It's what Eric thinks is best for us girls. But I wouldn't be able to go to school until I set up residency. It's at least $10,000 a year for non-residents. But California is expensive. I'd have to work and go to school (at least it would help to have a better career) while raising three girls. It's possible, but I don't like the thought of someone else raising them. I've put off praying about what to do specifically because I keep hoping Eric will at least be willing to talk. Am I in denial? Umm, probably. I am starting to do a little bit, looking for places to live in the areas I've considered moving, looking at schools. Is anyone hiring right now? It doesn't sound like it. I've started trying to sell some of the girls' extra toys and stuff. I'm just not sure how much to sell yet. I also told Laelia's mom. I hated doing it. I'd love to keep her, but I had to give them fair warning. So now I might be out of a job here, too. Joy. And since she'll be here soon I'd better go.

Let's Get Cooking

In case you haven't noticed, there's a fairly new section on the right. It's a weekly (hopefully) recipe. Check it out. If you'd like to submit a recipe, let me know in the comments.

So What's New

Well, I might as well let everyone know since the situation doesn't seem to be getting any better. Eric has asked for a divorce. The girls will stay with me (one of the disadvantages to being active duty military from his point). One good thing is that they will continue to go to church and learn about God and grow in their relationships with Him. Other than that I don't see any upsides to this right now. I'm not positive where I will go with three little girls who should be close to their daddy. I was offered one opportunity (I spell this word wrong every time) but will have to pray about it. It's a big scary step, but just about everything is at this point.

So basically I'm heart broken. A lot of the problems were my fault (not loving Eric as Christ loves us, putting too many of my expectations on him, getting upset when he was always at work when he was always at work to make a better life for us, being critical), and he is past the point of trying to work things out. And while I'm not the only one that messed up, I knew better due to God's teaching. The worst part is that I've learned so much since we started having major problems and I'm wondering why I learned it if I can't use it to work on the problem. I would still like to try to work through our problems but he is refusing. And now the girls will be affected beyond belief. So right now I reaffirm that their daddy loves them very much and I pray about the situation. He just finished a cycle and they are off for the week, so maybe he'll see them more-I hope.

And this throws everything up into the air-at least from my perspective. Where the girls and I will live. How I will earn a living for us. How I will get though this. I know God has a plan, I just hate being the last to know! Eric told the girls this morning. They were already upset because they hadn't seen him much in the last few weeks, and their behavior took another dip after he told them. So here I go at being an officially single mom. I'm thinking things are going to get even harder than they were with him just being at work all the time.

Praise The Lord, O My Soul

Psalm 103:1a

So it's still dark and I feel like I can't keep my head above water anymore. I started reading the Psalms this morning (while waiting for my cinnamon roll dough to rise, which it decided not to do). I'd honestly never liked them before. It mainly sounded like David was whining about all of his enemies and trying to be self-righteous. But this morning they clicked. I didn't read all of them (there are quite a few). My bible has a chart that tells what some of them about, so I read the ones that were listed that seemed helpful. In doing this I remembered things that are sometimes easy to forget.

God loves me (and you:))
God has a plan for every person.
God will not leave me, but sometimes I walk away from Him.
God will forgive me.
God always hears my prayers, but He knows what's best. We may not get what we want but we will grow in our faith.
God will take care of me.
God is perfect and I never will be. Therefore I can't think that I know better than God.

Nehemiah!

My nephew (actually 2nd cousin but they let me be Auntie) Nehemiah accepted Christ tonight, asking him to be his Savior and his Lord. Giving God control of your life and accepting His unconditional love as a child can be an awesome thing, especially with parents like Nehemiah has; parents who relinquish control of their lives and how they raise their children to God. This must be an awesome day in their household, and certainly in heaven.

Luke 15:10 (the applicable part) ". . . I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

So the angels are partying because of my nephew. What a fantastic picture!

Looking For Love, by Greg Laurie

I get daily devotionals but had kind of stopped reading this one. I'm glad I read it, sometimes we need a reminder. Even if you don't believe in God or don't like the church please read it. It will only take a moment and it might be just what you needed.

Some years ago, I came across the obituary of a woman named Doris Duke, a tobacco heiress and philanthropist. She was a woman of immeasurable wealth, worth some $1 billion at the time of her death at age 80.She once told a friend that she never knew when a man really loved her, because, after all, she was worth a billion dollars. She said, "I would go out with a man a couple of times, and the next thing I knew, he would be saying, 'I love you.' I could never really know if he really meant it. How could I be sure?"That is a good question.

How can we be sure of real love? We use the word love so often that it has almost become a cliché. We have only one word for love in the English language. We use it in a variety of ways, ranging from "I love my job" to "I love my car" to "I love my dog" to "I love my wife."But what is love? One dictionary defines it as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection, a feeling of warm personal attachment, sexual desire or its gratification."I think that is a poor definition of love, but sadly, many wouldn't even aspire to something that high.

Love is more than an emotion; it's a commitment.In contrast to English, the Greek language uses many words for love. Some of them are used in the Bible, including the words erōs, phileō, storgē, and agapē. Erōs, from which we get our English word erotic, is primarily love on the physical level. Phileō, from which the name Philadelphia originates, means "brotherly love." It is the love that two friends have, a friendship love. Then there is storgē, which refers to family love, such as the love of a child for a parent or a parent for a child.

Finally, there is a unique word for love that is used so often in the New Testament: agapē. When we read the word love in Scripture, it is usually agapē. This is God's love, a supernatural love that also can be known and practiced by us.

That is not to say that physical attraction, friendship love, and family love are unimportant. They each have their place. For example, if erōs is satisfied in the marriage relationship, it can be wonderful. But you don't want to build a marriage on physical attraction alone. If you build a marriage solely on erōs, it is destined for failure.You need to take the time to get to know a person and allow friendship love to develop as you grow closer to one another. But you also need that supernatural love to really sustain, strengthen, and cause your relationship to flourish.When you have built your relationship on the right foundation, you will look forward to the years ahead, instead of dreading the aging process together. You will grow to appreciate your husband or wife more and more. It is not just a matter of falling in love. It is also a matter of growing in love.

While the right relationship built on the right foundation can be wonderful, there is a far greater love available to us. The Bible tells us about it in John 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" (NKJV). This same God wants to come into your life and show you real love.Each of us was born with a hole in our heart that cannot be filled with anyone or anything. We can try to fill it with relationships. We can try to fill it with possessions or career or success or a myriad of other things. But nothing will fill that void because we were created to know God.

Many of us confuse loneliness for God with something else, when, in reality, we are lonely to have a relationship with the God whom we are separated from.Are you tired of the cheap imitations for love that this world offers—people who say they love you, and then use you or take advantage of you? God will never use you. He will never take advantage of you. But what He will do is show you what real love is all about.He loves you with the best kind of love: agapē. Now that is true love.

Greg Laurie

Ziggy Is In The Building.

This is Ziggy in her sunglasses from my mother-in-law. Right now Ziggy is a rock star; usually (but thankfully not currently) this is accompanied by her singing repeatedly the words Hannah Montana, which she has seen less than five times her entire life. She has also been a super spy, Harry Potter, a doctor and a pilot in these glasses. Apparently I should take back all of her Christmas presents; she obviously doesn't need them.

I Will Praise You In This Storm

So I'm in the middle of a tempest right now. More like a hurricane or tsunami actually. So, sorry I haven't written, I just haven't had the energy or motivation. But I am finding things to praise God for in the middle of this storm. I'm also learning things left and right about and concerning the problems I'm having. We're all alive, just laying low for a while.