Where I'm At

I don't really know. As to Eric and I, I still don't want this to happen. He's sad and he's hurt and he can't see past that. I can understand, I just don't like it. I also don't like that I've hurt him like that, even if inadvertently. I'm still praying that God will soften Eric's heart and allow Eric to forgive me and let us work it out. But that's what I want. Does God tolerate divorce? Well, he allows for it in a few situations. As a believer, I am told to let the non-believer leave if they want to. Does that mean that I shouldn't fight? I don't know. God may have great opportunities for me that I can't have if I stay with Eric. Would God choose to have us divorce? I don't think so, but I'm not Him. He allows us to make our own choices, even our own bad choices, of which I too have made plenty. So that's what I think this is, is a bad choice. Will it hurt people? Yes, definitely. Is it what God would want to happen? No. Can something good come out of it if we do divorce? Of course, it's just hard to see right now.

So I go about trying to decide what to do. I can move to another state if I need/want to. It's what Eric thinks is best for us girls. But I wouldn't be able to go to school until I set up residency. It's at least $10,000 a year for non-residents. But California is expensive. I'd have to work and go to school (at least it would help to have a better career) while raising three girls. It's possible, but I don't like the thought of someone else raising them. I've put off praying about what to do specifically because I keep hoping Eric will at least be willing to talk. Am I in denial? Umm, probably. I am starting to do a little bit, looking for places to live in the areas I've considered moving, looking at schools. Is anyone hiring right now? It doesn't sound like it. I've started trying to sell some of the girls' extra toys and stuff. I'm just not sure how much to sell yet. I also told Laelia's mom. I hated doing it. I'd love to keep her, but I had to give them fair warning. So now I might be out of a job here, too. Joy. And since she'll be here soon I'd better go.