Talk about a Godsmack

So I have NO clue where to even begin this post!!! Well, let's start with basics. Hmm, even that's hard to do. I guess first and foremost is that I am one of the happiest, most loved women on earth. Okay, now I'm still not sure where to go.

Okay, so we'll start with the truth. I've been fighting GOD for a while. Not really wanting to but not giving it all to HIM either. I've been holding on to stuff that HE's forgiven but I haven't. I haven't wanted to let go of the reigns (since I've been doing such GREAT job with everything :P). I've wanted a closer relationship with HIM but have always felt that the door keeps moving away from me. I don't doubt HIS love or sacrifice or patience or forgiveness, I've just always felt too unworthy for HIM to bother with. It's been scaring me and making me really wonder about things. It seems rather random but this does play into the story.

So to get to the point of this post: Justin. So I still don't know which direction to go in...We've been best friends for about 15 years. We grew up in the same church, went to middle school and high school together and even when we weren't that close we knew the other was always there. We'd usually get together a couple of times a year and facebook really helped strengthen our friendship. We went to his prom together, on youth group trips together, he helped me pack up the house and move when Eric left us and he has always been one of the best guy friends a girl can have.

So here comes the part where I'm totally mean and should be beat. If I cussed there is a word that rhymes with ditch and looks rather similar. Justin asked me out in high school. He graduated two years ahead of me so he was a senior when I was a sophomore. I told him that I thought of him as a really good friend and brother. I know, I'm horrible. And he still asked me to prom and I still said yes. I wish someone would have smacked me and told me to grow up back then.

We went about our separate lives, seeing each other here and there; church, parties of mutual friends, whatever. I went through a few boyfriends and met Eric. We got married, had beautiful children and then he left. We were together for eight years and married for six and a half. Justin had girlfriends, got married, had a wonderful daughter and then his wife left him. Actually about six months before Eric left. *sigh* This is what happens when we don't give control of our lives to GOD. HE always knows better, no matter what we think at the time.

~Total break in the story-I'm actually talking to him on speaker phone while I type this. Justin helped me a lot through the divorce, especially the early stages where I was lost and hurt and confused. He helped me through finding out Eric had moved in with his girlfriend four months after leaving our home. He helped me pack all night-even when I HAD to lay down and get some rest he kept packing. So I'm sitting here apologizing to Justin that he had to go through the divorce with me and it must have been hard for him to do that. He sweetly and patiently and lovingly tells me that he had to go through his divorce first so that he could help me through mine. Now back to the story!~

Except now I'm stuck again...If we're being honest I would tell you that Justin's been in love with me for years. No matter how annoying, how immature, how much of a pain in the butt he's been I think I've always known. Like we're talking at least 12 or 13 years. We grew up in the same church but didn't really spend a lot of time together until 1995 when we were in band in middle school together and I moved up to the youth group at church. He can't actually pinpoint when he started liking me. But I'd better move the story along.

So more recently...Last year I had an awesome 25th birthday party with Justin, Charlie and Mia; after which Justin banished himself. Without explanation. He eventually emerged from his cave and we started talking again, though there was much "contemplation", which he'd already been doing for a while. Truth be told I was talking to someone and Justin had just about given up on me-and on what GOD was telling him. It wasn't a great relationship We've seen each other a few times, either by our design or meeting up in a group of friends. Facebook, facebook, facebook. Fast forward through a not so great relationship for me after Eric (yes, I know we've only been divorced since October-it was very short and not very healthy). We hung out in May when Mia came to town (I'm never going to a bar again! Ever!) and we got together for lunch the next day. Somewhere while we were there he was given the advice that there are other fish in the sea, that there are better women out the than me. Both of which are true, though he promptly told the person that there isn't. So he started talking to someone in cast (he's in a shadow cast for Repo: The Genetic Opera) and I found out. At which point I immediately called him up and started bugging him as to what he'd been contemplating for the last few years. Eventually he admitted he was talking to someone (after I told him I knew) but never told me that he liked me. And since I really don't believe in breaking up relationships I backed off. But I was really surprised by how much I did NOT like him talking to someone.

Which brings us to Repo. So to break out of my box and experience something new, and since the girlies were in Ohio, I went. I stood outside the Ken for an hour all by myself. I was reminded of how wonderful it is to live a life for GOD as opposed to one trying to please only myself. I sat by myself crowded by people I'll never see again. And I actually enjoyed myself. It was funny. I loved seeing the regulars throwing out all the callbacks. I loved watching Justin have fun on stage. And yet I knew Justin was talking to one of the girls up there. I have no clue why I cared so suddenly or so strongly. Going to Repo was just a ploy to get him to notice me. There, I admitted it. Afterward I asked him to walk me to the car, since I'm just a girl (in the world-as long as you let me be!), I'd parked a few blocks down and it was like 0230. It actually ended up being a good thing since his brother was robbed at gunpoint, but eh, whatever. On the way back to the car I asked which girl he was talking to. Which is when he told me she was no longer in the picture. Really? You couldn't have told me this 4 hours ago before I stood/sat all by myself all night, had only had four hours of sleep the night before, had wasted my Saturday at class to get my RDA (which I still haven't done anything else for yet) and you still have to go in and clean up so we couldn't hang out. REALLY?!?!