Saturday, July 24, 2010

Godsmack Part II

The here!

So we left off with me going to Repo and Justin completely shooting me down for spending time together afterwards. I'd asked him what he was doing afterwards and he said he had to clean up. Seriously. He acted like he didn't want to be around me. So I got in the van and drove back to my parents' house.

The next night I'm at home and he just happens to be on facebook. So I pop him to see how his brother was doing after the excitement the night before and we start chatting. After a minute or two he says he wants to ask me something. So I get all excited. And he asks me what I thought of Repo. yea. I did try to provide constructive criticism and praise for the parts I liked, the whole time
thinking "Are you freaking kidding me? Seriously?" (Sorry, I don't usually cuss but I was just slightly irritated that night.) The conversation does keep going though and he asked me about the rest of my weekend, since it had been a whole 20 hours since we've seen each other. I told him I learned how to change the oil in my car. For some reason he liked that. Boys apparently think girls that work on cars are, to use Justin's word, "hot". So I told him to stop making fun of me. When he said , "No, that's really hot" I told him I'd also helped grout the pavers around my dad's pool. At which he asked me to marry him. Hmm, I wonder what I could have held out for if I told him I don't mind shingling roofs? My response was that we'd kill each other, and he came back and said he didn't think we would. I started wondering if he remembered who he was talking to or our decade and a half together at church... I then pointed out that he probably wouldn't last a month in a house with five girls; six if you count the cat. He sat there and told me we can make it work. Somehow the topic changes and we continued on talking about nothing for a while-we do a lot of that. Except the devil's advocate (and the mean, manipulative) part of me goes back and asked Justin what he would have done if I'd said yes. "First I'd have to regain consciousness, pick my jaw up off the floor and regain the ability to speak (like that's ever been a hard one for him!). Oh and I'd also tell you to not joke about that." Me, being blonde (and as I type that Justin asks if it's blondeness or manipulativeness-duh, like we don't all know the answer) asked if he means the saying yes or marriage in general. He said he was talking about the saying yes part, though if I was a guy I think I'd be more concerned about the marriage part-especially with all of us girls! We also discussed how dating would be moot for us, seeing as how we've been best friends for 15 years and therefore could skip the whole interview process and, really, who has time to date with fours girlies? So he asked if he should just propose instead of asking me out. I told him he didn't know what type of ring or the right size. I'll admit I laughed out loud when he told he'd find out using much subterfuge. I politely let him know that subtle he was not. I think that's when he started to realize that I knew that he liked me. And we proceeded to spend five hours chatting on facebook...

The next night we actually talked on the phone. Us talking on the phone doesn't happen often, though that's definitely not the case now! We talked about what we would like from relationships in general, how a relationship for either of us would ultimately be in preparation for marriage, seeing as how we were both getting older and had girlies, And somewhere in there we started planning our wedding. I'm not quite sure how that part of the conversation started, but needless to say we ended up picking colors, discussing our vows and even considered dates. All without him having told me he liked/loved me or officially proposing. After three hours on the phone around 2300 (I'm usually in bed by 2100) Justin told me he's back to contemplating. He's been contemplating for years!!! So being utterly sick of his contemplation I told him I was going to go to bed unless he wanted to tell me what he was pondering. Which is when he totally did the high school thing where he said he would tell me but not right then. He managed to keep me on the phone for another half hour where I slowly dragged out the fact that he liked me, had for a while and wanted us to be a couple, complete with all the things we had talked about over the last few days. And horrible me told him pretty much "That's nice, but I don't know..." followed by a lot of awkward silences, me blathering on about a bunch of stuff (basically slitting my own throat like how I didn't like him talking to the other girl but not sure I wanted this), eventually me telling him I liked talking to him and could we please keep it like this with the thought of it possibly becoming more. I seriously never thought he would tell me, especially with that little effort. I was totally unprepared for when he actually did.

The next few nights we discussed getting together that weekend and made more plans for our wedding (again-don't ask, it was just where the conversation went) and a kazillion other things. For being so vague and half-formed I think we spent at least 4 hours a night on the phone and facebook each night.

So our plans for Friday were for Justin to come up to my place after work, hoping for him to get a half day. At like 0815 Justin texted me to say he was off for the day and would be up in a little bit. So I was expecting an hour. I was still in cleaning clothes and was scrubbing the kitchen when he texted me at 0837 with "Knock knock". Really? We were planning to run errands in the afternoon after Justin got off work so we moved our day forward. I even let Justin drive, which I never had before, even though I can't stand the girl driving and I let pretty much every other important guy in my life drive. In our travels we hit Marshall's because I was looking for something specific that they'd had previously. While perusing the aisles we ran into some napkins in the colors we'd decided on for the wedding monogrammed with an S (his last name starts with one). I joked with him that we should pick them up for the wedding. He stopped to take a look at them and on the next shelf there were photo albums. Lo and behold one of them was in our wedding colors and had an S on it. So I picked it up, looked at it, showed it to Justin and decided to get it, since one never knows. I told him that if we got married then it would be perfect. And if we didn't I'd just give it to him for a wedding present when he got married next time. To which he responded if we didn't get married he'd never marry again. All this apparently had him freaked out; he was texting people and calling people. Most of them being male they weren't much help. He should have called a girl...
Which I did...Jess just doesn't believe me. They were just as confused as my guy friends were. (For future reference, Justin corrections will be in red.) So we finished our errands and came home, where we watched a ton of movies and I made dinner (homemade chicken pot pie and creamed spinach). I will admit that I completely vetoed Titus after about five minutes, though. That and not knowing what a narwhal was totally made me lose points in one of our friend's eyes, but I hope that he'll one day come to forgive me. Well, about 2030 or so Justin started not feeling well; headache, watery eyes, sniffing, itchy face. Yep, you guessed it. He's allergic to cats and didn't tell me!!! I dragged him to Wal-Mart to get some allergy medicine. Except on the way while I was driving-that's how bad his allergies had progressed!- I shot him in the eye with a hair tie. I couldn't have made that shot if I were trying and my daughters' lives depended on it! Poor man. At the store I actually opened the medicine in the middle of the store, got him a drink out of the cooler and made him take it standing in the middle of the aisle. We made it back home and resumed our ridiculous movie marathon. He very jokingly started pouting about me having hit him in the eye. So I apologized (for the fifteenth billion time) and kissed him on the cheek and went about life. Which totally put my mind into over drive thinking about why she kissed me on the cheek. Was it a sincere sorry kiss, was it a spur of the moment kiss, or was it a more planned out kiss? And apparently Jess add-ins will be in purple. I'd wanted to kiss him on the cheek at Repo but he gave me the bum's rush and I chickened out. And a lot of what I wanted to see before I told him yes or no was how we got along physically, which meant I knew we'd probably kiss that weekend. But this was more apologetic, spur of the moment with a little bit of trying to stir up trouble thrown in. Later we were watching yet another movie and I leaned against him and fell asleep (a girl can only watch so many movies before she crashes). I woke up to him just barely brushing his lips across mine. I decided I liked it and he decided he liked it and right about then we knew we were a couple, in a relationship and wanted to serve GOD together for the rest of our lives while raising four godly daughters. Except something still didn't feel right...

Monday, July 19, 2010

Talk about a Godsmack

So I have NO clue where to even begin this post!!! Well, let's start with basics. Hmm, even that's hard to do. I guess first and foremost is that I am one of the happiest, most loved women on earth. Okay, now I'm still not sure where to go.

Okay, so we'll start with the truth. I've been fighting GOD for a while. Not really wanting to but not giving it all to HIM either. I've been holding on to stuff that HE's forgiven but I haven't. I haven't wanted to let go of the reigns (since I've been doing such GREAT job with everything :P). I've wanted a closer relationship with HIM but have always felt that the door keeps moving away from me. I don't doubt HIS love or sacrifice or patience or forgiveness, I've just always felt too unworthy for HIM to bother with. It's been scaring me and making me really wonder about things. It seems rather random but this does play into the story.

So to get to the point of this post: Justin. So I still don't know which direction to go in...We've been best friends for about 15 years. We grew up in the same church, went to middle school and high school together and even when we weren't that close we knew the other was always there. We'd usually get together a couple of times a year and facebook really helped strengthen our friendship. We went to his prom together, on youth group trips together, he helped me pack up the house and move when Eric left us and he has always been one of the best guy friends a girl can have.

So here comes the part where I'm totally mean and should be beat. If I cussed there is a word that rhymes with ditch and looks rather similar. Justin asked me out in high school. He graduated two years ahead of me so he was a senior when I was a sophomore. I told him that I thought of him as a really good friend and brother. I know, I'm horrible. And he still asked me to prom and I still said yes. I wish someone would have smacked me and told me to grow up back then.

We went about our separate lives, seeing each other here and there; church, parties of mutual friends, whatever. I went through a few boyfriends and met Eric. We got married, had beautiful children and then he left. We were together for eight years and married for six and a half. Justin had girlfriends, got married, had a wonderful daughter and then his wife left him. Actually about six months before Eric left. *sigh* This is what happens when we don't give control of our lives to GOD. HE always knows better, no matter what we think at the time.

~Total break in the story-I'm actually talking to him on speaker phone while I type this. Justin helped me a lot through the divorce, especially the early stages where I was lost and hurt and confused. He helped me through finding out Eric had moved in with his girlfriend four months after leaving our home. He helped me pack all night-even when I HAD to lay down and get some rest he kept packing. So I'm sitting here apologizing to Justin that he had to go through the divorce with me and it must have been hard for him to do that. He sweetly and patiently and lovingly tells me that he had to go through his divorce first so that he could help me through mine. Now back to the story!~

Except now I'm stuck again...If we're being honest I would tell you that Justin's been in love with me for years. No matter how annoying, how immature, how much of a pain in the butt he's been I think I've always known. Like we're talking at least 12 or 13 years. We grew up in the same church but didn't really spend a lot of time together until 1995 when we were in band in middle school together and I moved up to the youth group at church. He can't actually pinpoint when he started liking me. But I'd better move the story along.

So more recently...Last year I had an awesome 25th birthday party with Justin, Charlie and Mia; after which Justin banished himself. Without explanation. He eventually emerged from his cave and we started talking again, though there was much "contemplation", which he'd already been doing for a while. Truth be told I was talking to someone and Justin had just about given up on me-and on what GOD was telling him. It wasn't a great relationship We've seen each other a few times, either by our design or meeting up in a group of friends. Facebook, facebook, facebook. Fast forward through a not so great relationship for me after Eric (yes, I know we've only been divorced since October-it was very short and not very healthy). We hung out in May when Mia came to town (I'm never going to a bar again! Ever!) and we got together for lunch the next day. Somewhere while we were there he was given the advice that there are other fish in the sea, that there are better women out the than me. Both of which are true, though he promptly told the person that there isn't. So he started talking to someone in cast (he's in a shadow cast for Repo: The Genetic Opera) and I found out. At which point I immediately called him up and started bugging him as to what he'd been contemplating for the last few years. Eventually he admitted he was talking to someone (after I told him I knew) but never told me that he liked me. And since I really don't believe in breaking up relationships I backed off. But I was really surprised by how much I did NOT like him talking to someone.

Which brings us to Repo. So to break out of my box and experience something new, and since the girlies were in Ohio, I went. I stood outside the Ken for an hour all by myself. I was reminded of how wonderful it is to live a life for GOD as opposed to one trying to please only myself. I sat by myself crowded by people I'll never see again. And I actually enjoyed myself. It was funny. I loved seeing the regulars throwing out all the callbacks. I loved watching Justin have fun on stage. And yet I knew Justin was talking to one of the girls up there. I have no clue why I cared so suddenly or so strongly. Going to Repo was just a ploy to get him to notice me. There, I admitted it. Afterward I asked him to walk me to the car, since I'm just a girl (in the world-as long as you let me be!), I'd parked a few blocks down and it was like 0230. It actually ended up being a good thing since his brother was robbed at gunpoint, but eh, whatever. On the way back to the car I asked which girl he was talking to. Which is when he told me she was no longer in the picture. Really? You couldn't have told me this 4 hours ago before I stood/sat all by myself all night, had only had four hours of sleep the night before, had wasted my Saturday at class to get my RDA (which I still haven't done anything else for yet) and you still have to go in and clean up so we couldn't hang out. REALLY?!?!