Sunday, February 28, 2010

So It's My Birthday

I turned 26 today. I don't like it. I'm officially no longer in my early 20s, no matter how I twist the numbers. I am actually frighteningly close to my late 20s which is just a hop away from 30, which is a skip away from my early thirties and is barely a jump to my mid 30s and then on to 40. 25 didn't bother me. 24 did a little bit just because it is two dozen (what can I say, I bake a lot, or at least I used to).

So I'm not going to go over the last year. Unfortunately this blog is somewhat censored. I don't write about everything that comes up or how I feel because a lot of it still has to do with Eric. Some of it is not for me to tell people about. Part of it is me still trying to protect him and not talk about him in a way that would be disrespectful or would effect other peoples' feelings about him, though I know a lot of people that read this don't actually know him (as if anyone really reads this-ha!). I hate the fact that I hurt him so much and really regret that I probably pushed him farther from GOD. I would give anything to undo what I've done.

So this year...I have no clue what's going to come.

Philip and I decided together that parting ways wasn't a bad idea. We'd talked about this for a few weeks and I wanted to start the year anew. I have some regrets, though nothing that Philip caused. All were decisions I made. The best I can do after making those choices is to learn from them and go forward. I do regret introducing him to the girls. Not that he wasn't wonderful with them, but they don't need people coming in and out of their lives, especially because of me. We had talked for several months before we introduced him to them. Living so far apart made it difficult to see each other without them around, and that's a long time to be away from the girls. All in all it was a learning experience and hopefully we'll stay friends. I don't know, it doesn't really happen but we can see.

What birthday is complete without a party? The girls and I started celebrating last night with schnitzel and cinnamon rolls. They did my hair (I'm hoping there was no film in their camera) and we played games followed by a round of DuckTales. This morning we went to Denny's and I got a free grand slam. How cool was that? We went to Wal-Mart to pick up ZoeBel's birthday present-don't ask, her birthday is in June but I got it and I hate waiting-then we went to David's Bridal to try to pick up a dress for my two best friends' wedding. Yup, they're marrying each other. So I could either wear a dress or a tux! I ended up standing on the bride's side so I get the dress. Which David's Bridal apparently does not carry in my size. Next was a party with my parents and aunt and uncle. Ham and blondies with a side of york peppermint patties. Yum! It's kind of hard because a lot of my best friends moved away this last year. Doesn't mean I'm less loved, just means I didn't get to party as much this year.

So I'd better get my old self to bed. I ended up taking last week off because the girls were sick. I loved being home with them again but the weekly routine starts back up in 10 or 11 hours. So to all a good night. Wait...that's Christmas. Oh well.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Where Have I Been?

Honestly, I have no clue. I love blogging. I miss blogging. I love reading all of my friends' blogs, even though I don't do it all that often. Every other week or so I'll sit down and go through my dashboard and favorites. But I digress. . . I guess part of it is that there's not a lot going on. No big activities. No major revelations. Nothing worthy of bothering anyone about. Work days we get up, go to school and work, come home, eat, shower and go to bed. Weekends we are either catching up or running around or avoiding everything. So let's see if we can find anything newsworthy.

Well, VeeZee turned three yesterday! It doesn't feel like it's that big of a deal though. I never see them anymore! She and ZoeBel spent the day with Eric. They went to SeaWorld and had fun. I picked them up around 1930 and we came home and went to bed.

ZoeBel is starting to read and has the kookiest fashion sense. Skirts and leggings all the way. Except she'll wear regular pants if leggings aren't available. And you can guarantee nothing will actually match. I try to offer some guidance, but sometimes it's better to let her be her own little person.

ClaireBeth is doing well at school. She's starting to adopt a more mature attitude, which can be difficult. And she's having to be reminded that she's one of the girlies, not a big person like Mama.

All of them are sweet and loving and darling. But they're real people, not robots, so some days I want to shut myself in my room and go to bed. Doesn't happen often but a girl can dream.

The older two start going to talk to someone in a few weeks. A therapist. ZoeBel is the one I'm most concerned about, but ClaireBeth probably needs help, too. I'm not sure what I expect from this or if I'll be told that they're normal and they don't need it or even what can be done with children this age but we'll see what happens. I've had to put aside my feelings of failure and some other feelings brought about by things I can't change no matter how hard I try. What's important is helping the girls.

I'm still working at the same place. I'll be there a year in about two weeks. I went to a small group last week. It was nice, though not like my last one. I'm worried I'll keep holding everything up to that standard and be disappointed every time. It's hard to just give in and be where I'm put, even if God does know better than I do. Doesn't mean I wanna.

So like I said. Nothing major. Nothing exciting. I do need to start planning a birthday party that's on Saturday. Go Jess, way to procrastinate. And tomorrow's packed. Lovely. And it's time to go pick up ClaireBeth from school. Have a great day!