Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Why do we even bother?

So something that Justin and I have worked at for about a year and we love has been taken from us. More so from Justin than I, but it still feels very personal to me. Because it is. We've spent a good bit of time with the girls doing soccer. Justin coached ClaireBeth's team last fall and he and I assistant coached VeeZee's. ZoeBel and RachelLynn didn't play. Winter ball rolled around and we coached 2 of the three teams that our four daughters were on. For spring we coached both teams that the three girlies (VeeZee was in Ohio) were on and Justin started reffing.

I avoided soccer for years because of the time drain I figured it would be, not to mention the expense. Finally I broke down and did it because ClaireBeth had been begging for, at that point, three or four years. Plus Justin was here so we could actually get everyone to practice. And we signed up with SMYS. We actually love it :) Yes, San Marcos is a little out of the way. Ehh, we can deal with that. People have done crazier things. Some of the parents can be pains (if you spend a ton of time thinking you can coach better, please, just coach! or shush. whichever. I'm not picky). But the girls loved it! VeeZee's doing pretty well. Like very! ClaireBeth is a pretty good mid-field/defender. And she's got some keeper in her, too. Since ZoeBel's started she's working the back as well.

But onto my rant this evening. Apparently dedication and desire don't matter. Not to someone who is simply out to make themselves look better regardless of anything else. Thinking you are entitled to something and then whining until it happens, no matter how unjust, is much more important than anyone else. Trying to lie about the situation and making it sound like the girls said something they never said is getting old. And ignoring someone that needs your love and craves your attention just because she's not the oldest is disgusting. Just like fall season when only the oldest one was paid attention to then. Get over yourself. You do not have to insert yourself into everything just because you feel left out or that you're being "disrespected/unacknowledged as ___________". You are the reason we left the previous activity. Your back-biting and rumor-mongering were unwanted. So yes, we quit. I'm sorry we stuck it out long enough that you weren't able to use it against us.

And so now we lost something that ClaireBeth and Justin were looking forward to; him coaching her U12 team. We still get to coach ZoeBel and VeeZee's. "Then why are you making such a fuss?" Because I always try to work things out and I'm sick of trying. Especially when someone only cares about one of the girls and lied to get what they wanted. I hate the fact that this was even brought up to the poor soccer people. I may be loud and annoying, but I'm  not drama. I also don't appreciate drama being brought around where we "live". Keep your problems to yourself and don't put other people in a hard predicament. I don't blame anyone that had to make a decision. It's not their fault and I can't imagine the fuss that would have occured if a different choice had been made. I'm not even sure the girls would have been allowed to continue playing soccer. But don't try to insert yourself in something you had no interest in until you saw how happy we were and that the oldest doesn't suck at it. 'Cause, for one, you're on the wrong boat. ClaireBeth has only played for 1 year and is showing promise. But since you're only concerned with what you see to be the best and only want the trophy child, then you should focus on VeeZee. ZoeBel hasn't even really played and she's doing well, too (though I wouldn't hold out too much hope for her because it will never be horseback riding-not that you really bothered to go to her lessons once we started taking her).

And I'm upset with myself because I let this bother me. I want to be loving. I want to be kind. I want to love my persecutor (ugh-we're directed to do that more times than I can count!). But really, I don't. Because I'm tired of feeling like a doormat still. Sick of being treated like somehow I don't count, and therefor neither does Justin. So I pray. Usually after I'm done ranting and raving and having mean conversations in my head (yes, yes, I know. Thoughts and all that are just as much sin...). I know that I should pray first. For patience. For a still tongue. For a love for my children to overcome other feelings. For safety/comfort of whatever is involved. Mainly for me to show the love and grace and mercy that God has shown us, not to mention the dignity to deal with it all (fine way to do that, whining on my blog-the only good thing is that no one reads it!). It still doesn't come naturally. I still just feel like David pouring out his perceived hurts. And wanting to cry because yet again something else is taken away. And wanting to be left alone for just once. Is coaching soccer really that big of a thing. Yes and No. Does God still care about the little things that hurt us? Yes. But as I've seen; just because we want something doesn't mean we're going to get it.

I'm not even sure how to end this post without sounding trite (ha-too late!) or like I'm accepting and giving in. So I guess I'll just say good night...

Monday, July 9, 2012

Sometimes You Just Give Up *major venting and bitterness-beware*

What do you do when you decide that if someone else doesn't care enough to try that you just don't bother anymore? When does it reach that point? And at the same time when do you just kind of sigh with relief after the decision is made and wish that you'd made it before? Especially if you know the same issues that caused the rift are going to continue? So I've started praying. It's hard because I'm tired of everything somehow being my fault. But eventually I guess you're supposed to stop defending yourself against stuff that either is not true or misconstrued. And wish that things were the way they were before. But figuring you can't make people change, even their minds. I've dealt with a lot of bitterness with this group before. Some of them in the larger group I didn't really care about their opinion. Some of them I've cared very much. And the reason things are like this is stupid-because they don't want to hurt someone else's feeling or make that other person feel like they're picking me the same amount as them. Really? Because someone made a choice and you don't want to make them deal with it? Are you kidding me?

"We keep hearing..." "Well, yes. That same person just told me ... from you. And so I'm calling you because it's worth it to me to fix. Remember when they also said ..., ..., and ... and they were either all lies or twisted? Hmm, you do? But you don't care. Okay, gotcha."

Don't get me wrong. I've made mistakes. But I've usually gone to you with them. Or apologized and tried to make amends. But most of the time that isn't what happened. And this other person just lied to you again. About .... Would you like me to call and talk to them. Because this person saying ... is why I'm talking to you now.

And please, don't question the types of chores I have my children do. Yes, I think a 7-year-old should be responsible enough to put away a knife. And yes, it was a butcher knife. Because it makes more sense to teach them how to be around stuff like that instead of having a 12-year-old that can neither cut their own meat nor knows where anything goes in the kitchen. (No, said persons do not necessarily have a 12-year-old who can not handle either of those. I honestly don't know if they can or not.) I also think children should be raised to eventually be adults. And be able to do things like make dinner, do laundry, clean a bathroom and things of that nature. Because eventually they will live on their own (all hoping).

And I feel like David, except my grievances aren't someone trying to kill me. Of course, I also haven't stolen someone's wife, killed someone and then tried to STILL hide it all. So the other people were probably PRETTY mad at him...I'm not really wanting thunder and lightening to rain down on them. Well, okay, a little. Mainly it's more of my wanting to be heard and understood and my side taken. Because it's right. Or at least it's the most open-minded, tolerant side. And I'm really tired of having to clean up a certain someone's messes. Or at least dealing with them. Again: you made your choice. YOU deal with it, I don't want to.

And so my ranting is over. The sadness is still there. I don't think anything will improve, though I can hope it will. But He comforts and loves us like no one here can. And He brings others into our lives for a reason. I guess. I hate giving up, but focusing and spending all of my energy on something that isn't going anywhere isn't helpful, either. We're commanded not to worry or to fear. And that we're to do everything for God, not for man. Which means I should work for God's opinion, not someone whom I'm wasting my efforts on. In essence almost making the issue-my acceptance-an idol. Plus, really, how many times can you watch someone try to fix the same issue without thinking they're totally pathetic? (Okay, so I do still slightly care what people think-but I'm working on it.)

Friday, July 6, 2012

So I fell off the band wagon...

We were doing very well. $.40 for onions. $22.80 for water and hand soap. Then Justin and I went out by ourselves. And we got a soda (Taco Bell has XLs for $.79!!!). Then RachelLynn and I went out and got a drink today at McDonald's. So of course we had to get one for Papa because he was being a wonderful Papa and going to work to take care of us. And I proceeded to go to his work and spill it all over the floor. Because I love him so much. I was showing him how much I loved him and then making sure that he didn't have any of the bad side effects of drinking the soda. So it was a good thing. Right??? Yeah...In reality I hit the stupid curved bar height tables that they have just like I do every time I go there. *sigh* And then I went to Goodwill for a loaf pan (because Wal-Mart didn't have any. Really, people!) and I saw some skirts. And while waiting to try them on I saw some shirts. And I didn't buy a single skirt. But I did walk out of there with two shirts (one was expensive!!!) and a pair of violet jeans for ZoeBel. So I failed. Is this where I have permission to go buy a bunch of sushi and wallow in my misery? I wish. Sushi sounds good and I don't want to wait for the rice to soak...

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

RRROOOAAARRR!!! (and no, i do not mean rawr)

Or maybe it should be GGGRRR!!! Or that mad/psycho hissing sound cats make. I dunno. All I know is I'm frustrated. With myself. With the girls. With Just (though not really-mainly when he gets upset because he thinks I'm frustrated with him, though sometimes I AM just plain old frustrated with him...). But I think mainly with myself. I'm reading "Because He Loves Me" by Elyse Fitzpatrick with a fantastic group this summer. And I hate the book. I hate it's simplicity. I hate the simple fact that it's telling me about Christ's love. I hate the fact that I have to be reminded. And the book is not a reminder. It is a neon post-it on a black chalkboard. It is really a fantastic book. She writes well (and believe me, I would know. I'm going through English 202 with Justin and we are currently reading "America's Worst Best Essays"). Extremely well. But it's hitting too close to home.
When the girls are crying or screaming I don't want to be loving. When Justin has put off his homework again I don't want to be patient or supportive. When he's tired from going to school at 7:15 am Monday through Thursday I don't want to be the one to take care of the girls, make sure they do their chores, don't burn down the house, survive the day and still have something for him to eat when he gets home from work. When one of the girls wants to go to the other house because I'm mean and expect something out of her (instead of waiting on her hand and foot or completely ignoring her until she's starving) I'm tired of trying. It's been two years. Get over it.
But we're called to be loving. Not just because we're told to. But because no matter what we're feeling about them, Christ has felt so much more sorrow, so much more irritation (a justified, righteous, holy irritation, I'm sure). And He never stops loving. He doesn't yell because He's angry (yes, I am aware that He DOES get angry. But He doesn't act nearly as retarded as we do when we're mad). He doesn't howl and shout "Not Fair" when an injustice is done to Him.
So I plod on. And I ask forgiveness. From God, from the girls, from Just. And from myself. I'm not perfect. Won't ever be. So all I can do is remember (in Fitzpatrick's words) "...If you neglect to focus on God's love for you in Christ, your Christianity will soon be reduced to a program of self-improvement...[true Christianity is] an acknowledgement that something more than self-improvement is needed. What's needed is death and resurrection:gospel words, gospel constructs, gospel motives, gospel power-a loving Redeemer". And He loves me enough to deal with even grumpy me. So I should probably leave my pity-party and go talk to my husband. Maybe apologize...

Where Did All Our Money Go???

So we're trying to go a week without spending money. most of it was going to drinks and quick snacks out...So far I've technically failed, but it was worth it. Yesterday I realized I was out of onions. So there went $.40. I can deal with that. And of course we ran out of hand soap and water. That was $22.80. But we need hand soap. I guess I could have had them use the dish soap I have a few things of and got for free (love couponing!), but I still have an aversion to dish soap after suffering from eczema for years and having no clue. I still won't use Palmolive...And tap water's nasty. But it's still way less than we would have usually spent. Let's see if we can go the rest of the week. Though now that I think about it I think I'm out of bacon and broccoli. Oh the horror!