Monday, July 9, 2012

Sometimes You Just Give Up *major venting and bitterness-beware*

What do you do when you decide that if someone else doesn't care enough to try that you just don't bother anymore? When does it reach that point? And at the same time when do you just kind of sigh with relief after the decision is made and wish that you'd made it before? Especially if you know the same issues that caused the rift are going to continue? So I've started praying. It's hard because I'm tired of everything somehow being my fault. But eventually I guess you're supposed to stop defending yourself against stuff that either is not true or misconstrued. And wish that things were the way they were before. But figuring you can't make people change, even their minds. I've dealt with a lot of bitterness with this group before. Some of them in the larger group I didn't really care about their opinion. Some of them I've cared very much. And the reason things are like this is stupid-because they don't want to hurt someone else's feeling or make that other person feel like they're picking me the same amount as them. Really? Because someone made a choice and you don't want to make them deal with it? Are you kidding me?

"We keep hearing..." "Well, yes. That same person just told me ... from you. And so I'm calling you because it's worth it to me to fix. Remember when they also said ..., ..., and ... and they were either all lies or twisted? Hmm, you do? But you don't care. Okay, gotcha."

Don't get me wrong. I've made mistakes. But I've usually gone to you with them. Or apologized and tried to make amends. But most of the time that isn't what happened. And this other person just lied to you again. About .... Would you like me to call and talk to them. Because this person saying ... is why I'm talking to you now.

And please, don't question the types of chores I have my children do. Yes, I think a 7-year-old should be responsible enough to put away a knife. And yes, it was a butcher knife. Because it makes more sense to teach them how to be around stuff like that instead of having a 12-year-old that can neither cut their own meat nor knows where anything goes in the kitchen. (No, said persons do not necessarily have a 12-year-old who can not handle either of those. I honestly don't know if they can or not.) I also think children should be raised to eventually be adults. And be able to do things like make dinner, do laundry, clean a bathroom and things of that nature. Because eventually they will live on their own (all hoping).

And I feel like David, except my grievances aren't someone trying to kill me. Of course, I also haven't stolen someone's wife, killed someone and then tried to STILL hide it all. So the other people were probably PRETTY mad at him...I'm not really wanting thunder and lightening to rain down on them. Well, okay, a little. Mainly it's more of my wanting to be heard and understood and my side taken. Because it's right. Or at least it's the most open-minded, tolerant side. And I'm really tired of having to clean up a certain someone's messes. Or at least dealing with them. Again: you made your choice. YOU deal with it, I don't want to.

And so my ranting is over. The sadness is still there. I don't think anything will improve, though I can hope it will. But He comforts and loves us like no one here can. And He brings others into our lives for a reason. I guess. I hate giving up, but focusing and spending all of my energy on something that isn't going anywhere isn't helpful, either. We're commanded not to worry or to fear. And that we're to do everything for God, not for man. Which means I should work for God's opinion, not someone whom I'm wasting my efforts on. In essence almost making the issue-my acceptance-an idol. Plus, really, how many times can you watch someone try to fix the same issue without thinking they're totally pathetic? (Okay, so I do still slightly care what people think-but I'm working on it.)

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