Monday, November 9, 2009

So what's going on...

I started this almost two weeks ago and am just going from there, so it might seem messed up, but you'll have to deal :)

Hmm, where to start? Well, it's a quarter till 9 and I hear a two-and-a-half-year-old and a seven-year-old playing tea set. Did I mention it was 9 PM? I think back about my day and marvel at the good and the not so good. I went to ClaireBeth's parent/teacher conference. She's doing very well. Great grades, great conduct. The usual. But I wonder how she's really doing. I hear a lot that she's well adjusted. Sometimes I wonder if she's already learning to fake it like I do all the time. Like many of us do.

Thinking about how well ClaireBeth is doing makes me think about ZoeBel. Already I can see that this blog is going to seem random and ill-organized. I think I'm okay with that today. ZoeBel is sick. A fever and a cough, mostly. Though she did throw up tonight, but I think that was my fault. I was brushing her teeth and might have gagged her. But ZoeBel's different. She is so sweet and open and begging to be loved. It's hard to fill her up constantly. Especially with working all the time. I have a hard enough time going to GOD for love and contentment, which just makes telling the girls to go to HIM even harder. ZoeBel is smart, but she has this streak that can turn mean and hard and bitter if not tempered. I just have no clue how to help her at this point. It makes me very scared for her future.

VeeZee is just VeeZee. Sometimes I think there's a stranger in the house. I've lived with her for three years and I feel like I barely even know her. Part of it is how much she's growing and changing at this stage. She does something new and unexpected at least a couple of times a week. And unfortunately I usually miss it.I don't see how people can stand choosing to have children and then putting them into daycare. Don't get me wrong and please don't take it personally. I know that sometimes circumstances change and you might have to work or sometimes a child is a surprise (been there and done that with both situations!). But I'm missing my children grow up and it makes me so sad. I feel like I'm cheating VeeZee out of her toddlerhood and me out of mamahood.

Umm, on to me, I guess. Well, I've been divorced for two weeks come tomorrow (yea me?). That first day I felt sick and disgusted like I'd physically been torn in two. I guess hence the verses about us becoming as one flesh. The next day I kind of went back to normal. It helps, I guess, that we were divorced on the 27th, which was four days short of a year since he left. Also, my friend Philip came down. But more about him later. That day, though, I picked the girls up from school early and went home and slept. Philip and the girls and I went out to dinner that night and I went back to work the next day and the world went on. It's actually pretty sad. Who's Philip? Philip is a great guy that I became friends with in February. We went to the same church for a year or so but never actually met. Gotta love facebook! So we started talking and became friends. Then we started talking about dating if/when the divorce finalized. Which it did. I'm still not sure if we're dating or not but we're having fun, considering we live 5 hours apart.

Work is still work. I'm up in front a lot more, where I feel completely inadequate to be. Not that there's too much choice. We had an intern for a while but she didn't work out and so now I'm doing front and back again. I like the office and I like the work I just hate being away from the girls.

I found a great church home for us. Or rather, GOD brought us to a great church home. I'm taking a bible class and the big girls are doing choir. ClaireBeth has a solo, which I think is hilarious since she sings about as well as I do, which is not that well. But they love it and I love that they love worship and praise music. I just wish they made music that I liked a little more. Dang Christians, being so moderate!

So I'm done avoiding cleaning for right now. Have a great day!


The Walsh's said...

So for the record, you know I love you so I may be a bit biased! Don't you for a minute doubt how your girls will turn out! They have an amazing mom who has acted so selflessly over this past year to protect them and to take care of them! You have been braver than anyone I know and more amazing and loving...You did not do that on your own Jess...God has been with you for sure every step. So, if your girls see anything, they will see that He was the one with you...Sure they may not go running to Him right now, but as time goes on I have no doubt that the love you are giving them, and the amazing example you are providing them will no doubt be the best example of why they need His love more than anything!

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

Ditto what Sarah said!

(I know that is such a cop out, but she said it so well, I didn't need to add anything!)