Saturday, June 14, 2008

I'm stuck here again

So it's one of those days, weeks even, where I've been feeling lonely again. I'm doing Beth Moore's Living Free. I'm in week 5 (we're discussing week 6 on Wednesday and I've never actually made it to the group if that tells you anything) and while a lot of the study has been great and very convicting, day 3 was perfect for today-see, I knew there was a reason I was behind. I'm not lazy it was God's timing! Just kidding!

The title is Overcoming Feeling Unloved. I feel it more now because the little girls are clingy and dependent (normal for just turned three and one), Eric is at work or asleep 95 % of the time and I don't have a best friend as it were. Every time I feel like this the house becomes a disaster, I get easily frustrated and snappy with the girls and Eric doesn't have the energy to deal with the way I'm acting when he comes home so he doesn't even bother, which usually means that we spend less time together which just makes everything worse.

Obviously I've been trying to fill a need in my life with my family. Sometimes I shop to avoid the house and so I don't have to be alone with the girls (note: this does not work since they're exhausted from being out and about all day and they melt down and I explode). I read to escape. I eat worse and definitely don't exercise, not that that happens much anyway. Since I'm gone all the time the house falls farther behind so I don't want to be there. It's a hard cycle to break. And all through the misery and pain I hear a voice saying "Talk to me. I love you. I always have and always will. You are my precious daughter whom I ransomed from a life like this and yet you still choose to live like this. Let me help you."

Only God can love you unconditionally. No matter what you've done or are doing right now can turn God away from you. We might think we have this kind of love on earth but humans are weak. Feelings change, people move, bodies die. God is trying to woo you constantly. He loves you and wants you to know Him and love Him too. He doesn't need it. He desires it. He desires you.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life. John 3:16. Meaning that God loved us so much that He let His son die to pay for all of the things that separated you and me and everyone from Him. Whoever believes that and accepts that and lives their life in God will have life with Him on earth and after we die. For someone who loves like that our feelings-which are not truth or concrete-can look rather silly I'm sure.

If you ever feel alone or unloved, know that God is there waiting for you to call out to Him. You don't know what to say, just tell Him you are there and want to be with Him.

The following is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman called Live out Loud. Sometimes I live as though I'm not one of God's children, knowing of His love and that He has a plan for me. This reminds me of that feeling.

Imagine this…I get a phone call from Regis

He says, “Do you want to be a millionaire?”

They put me on the show and I win with two lifelines to spare

Now picture this…I act like nothing ever happened

And bury all the money in a coffee can

Well, I’ve been given more than Regis ever gave away

I was a dead man who was called to come out of my grave

And I think it’s time for makin’ some noise

1 comment:

Beth said...

I have the same problem, where I let things get too bad around the house and then I don't want to be there, but I can't always be out and about, esepcially with the kids because they will act out if they are too tired. I also remember how hard it was before I had a really close girlfriend out in San Diego.

Let me know if you ever want to get together. Although I am in MN until the middle of July right now, I am usually just sitting at home with Andrew after I drop Isabel off at school. Even if we just sit around and talk, at least we are not alone! :) And hey, I don't mind helping you with the household chores. Sometimes things like folding laundry and whatnot are a little less boring if you can chat with a friend while doing them!

*hugs* Hope you are having a good week!